Best Friends

Best Friends

Saturday, November 19, 2011

judgement day

As I have stated, November is a super difficult month for me. This year has been no different. There have been some extremely low moments that are worse than ever, but there have also been some amazing uplifting points to this year. With the help of a very special family, I have been able to spend the past couple days away from all the things that would normally bring me down... I have had time to myself to reflect on the past and how lucky I am to be where I am now. I tell myself constantly it is time to leave the past behind me- but it isn't as easy as it sounds. Six years ago yesterday I stood in a courtroom and listened to a judge tell me what a terrible person I was and that I was going to prison for up to 5 years. Really? How does a person just put that behind them? That day was quite possibly the worst day of my life. But, I made a decision to not allow it to destroy my life- but to make it better. Every year I struggle- remembering the words that judge said to me, hearing my mother in the courtroom cry, being shackled and taken to jail to await transport to prison. It was a painful day, and one I cannot just forget. But I thought maybe if I put it all out there, whether anyone reads it or not, just getting it all out of my head- might help me to move past this.
I got out of bed after almost no sleep at all, showered, dressed in probably the only courtroom appropriate clothes I owned, and headed out the door with my brother. We stopped for coffee at a convenience store, and headed to the court building. I was feeling fine really, after all- I had done all the things the court had asked of me- meetings and classes, evaluations, and I had agreed to plead guilty to one of the two charges and they agreed to recommend probation. What did I know- I had never been thru anything like this before!
Underground parking at the court- sux! We parked and went into the building. As we got off the elevator on the third floor, I saw a croud of people who hated me! My ex husband and pretty much his entire family, and my parents- not that they hated me, but they sure did not want to admit they were about to watch their daughter be sent off to prison! They never believed a word I said, they expected the worst of me, and in no way did I feel they were there to support me.
We entered the court and found a seat, as I waited for my attorney to show up. I started getting nervous- like things are not going to go as I expected them to. I gave my car keys, phone and wallet to my brother... just in case.
My lawyer sucked! he showed up late and I had like two minutes to talk with him. When they called me up, my lawyer and I approached the podium and I was a nervous wreck! They read the charge and I said guilty. Done, right? HELL NO! The judge begins to give me his opinion of what really happened and what a terrible person and parent I am and I should never be allowed to see either of my kids ever again, let alone have custody of them. And if he could, he would sentence me to more time in prison. I was in tears! And I knew better than to argue with a judge. So as he moves on and begins to talk about my sentence, he states that the prosecution is recommending probation and he sees that I have participated in all the bs they asked me to... BUT... but he feels none of those things can change the kind of person I am, prison is the only way to fix what is wrong with me. Really? Did he say fix me? Yeah, he did! And I hereby sentence you to 1-5 years in the Utah State Correctional Facility... or whatever the bleep he called it! My knees buckled and I about went to the ground. I heard my mother break out crying- I honestly dont think it was because I was being sent to prison... I think it was her reputation she was worried about. My fabulous lawyer walked away... and I never saw him again! Really- I spent a lot of money on a lawyer who really didn't give a rats ass what happened to me! The baliff came and cuffed me and took me to a holding cell. Where I sat for like 4 hours before being taken to the county jail. I had never been to jail before- what a nightmare experience that was! The second day there I was allowed to use the phone- and my mother got upset that I was calling collect. She really thought that maybe I could use a different phone! No mom, your money and your standings in the community don't mean shit in here!
The day before Thanksgiving I was transported from the jail to the prison. I had no idea what was going on, what was going to happen, I was worried about my medications and my illness, they wouldn't let me call anyone. And Thanksgiving dinner... oh yummy, what a treat that was! NOT!
I have a lot of anger and hurt and resentments toward a lot of people from that couple of weeks- I realize for the most part, Ihave no one to blame but myself... and of course the asshole who got me in that situation in the first place. But I don't blame anyone, and I don't blame myself anymore... everything happens for a reason. I am so extremely thankful for my freedom that I have today!

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