Friday, April 16, 2010
Easter Sunday I lost someone very dear to me. He had cancer. and since then my two very best friends have both told me they have to have biopsies soon to check for lymphoma. Why is it that when I get close and let someone into my heart... someone upstairs decides to rip that good feeling away from me... and always with cancer? 5 years ago, I lost the woman I thought of as 'Mom" to lymphoma, ten years ago, my only aunt to breast cancer. Now for the confusing question... why the hell am I still a smoker? I have set into motion the quit plan, I have cut back to about half where I was a month ago. Thanx to my boss saying we all need to quit together! I don't think anyone has taken it serious, but I have to, I can't allow my friends and family to be put through what I have gone through with this. My daughter deserves to have me around and able to do things with her for a very long time!
Riding season is upon us! I truly hope I can be a part of it this year. My life, my job, and my marriage are all things that could prevent me from enjoying that feeling of freedom I love so much being on the back of a bike. One day at a time, I suppose!
Rest in peace, SugarBear. You are now free!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Call me an idiot, I forgot my user and password info to even get into my blog! So it has been way to long, but so many times I have wanted to update.
So in December my daughter turned 18... yep, she is an adult now. And, just like her mom, dreams of freedom! So over the Christmas break from school she made a choice to move out of her father's house and come live with us. I knew this day would come, she has been talking about it for a long time, but I had been sticking to my guns about making her finish high school before she came to be with us. Well, so much for that. She was unhappy, I saw things that I was not happy about, and I was just so excited to have my girl back home where she belongs! So we moved into a larger apartment, had a friend move in with us to help him out a little as well, and now life is great! I have cut back my hours a bit at work, I take Kayla to school in the mornings. I feel I have my family back. Although there is one missing, she is constantly in my thoughts, and I know one day we will be reunited. Meanwhile, Kayla gives me the strength I need to get thru the trying times.
The past six weeks or so has been a true test of my faith, my strength, and my passion for everything I do and believe in... I guess that is why I wanted to get in here and post, it really is a venting place for me.
First was Christmas... I just don't understand why people can't respect my wishes during my least favorite time of year! I love my in-laws, but they insist on the big celebration, and exchanging gifts, and all that. I continue to ask that they don't do that for me, but I don't think they will ever understand. My idea of the perfect Christmas is being home in my sweats, cleaning house and having a few drinks... alone.
The battle to keep peace when Kayla decided to move, I honestly think I did quite well with this one! Considering how well her father and I get along, and his wife's opinions of me as a parent... yes, I am proud of how I handled it, altho that is still not over with, and someone brings something up about it weekly. But, as I keep reminding myself, my ex and his wife, and everyone else... she is 18, an adult, she makes her own choices now.
Next on my list... Actually began quite a few months sooner, the one person in my life who I respect and look up to more than anyone (other than my dad), was diagnosed with cancer over the summer. After surgery and treatments, more test and more treatments, I was told the first of the year he had roughly 8 weeks to live. How am I supposed to take that? The one person in this world who stood by me, believed in me, trusted me... when no one (not even my family) would. He was there for me, loved and cared for me... unconditionally. He supported me emotionally and mentally, and yes, even financially for a while. He was my guardian angel... and now, nothing I do will help him. He has an amazing attitude, with about a month left- he refuses to give up on anything. He accepts what is happening, but is living life to its fullest, ever day.
I have found some old friends who are so very important to me, and who I hope I won't lose again. It has been very emotional, finding lost friends and the memories that come up, the thought of losing friends who mean the world to me. I have taken a huge step and contacted my sister... my one biological sister. We have spoken once in probably more than 5 years, and that wasn't by choice- when dad shoves the phone in your face, neither of us want to hurt dad! But contacting her is a big part of my goals for my future. I need my family, we all do.
My job is going amazingly well, although most may see it totally opposite of this, I have made some huge strides with my store, my crew, and my goals.
So far the year seems to be starting out quite well. I have a very positive outlook this year, and know I can accomplish anything I set out to do! So bring on 2010! Hoping for lots of good weather and riding time, success at work, progress with family, and a closer bond with the friends I so want to be closer with! Here's to the freedom to do what we want, when we want, and why!
And one last comment... no matter who you are, friend or acquaintance, family or stranger, I accept you all for who you are and for the choices you make in your life. And I support any decisions YOU choose to make... that is your right, your freedom... and no one, especially me, has any right to judge or tell you no! Unconditional love and friendship is what matters.