After being married as many times as I have, one would think I would have it all figured out and do it right eventually... so why is it that I am so very much in love, but so very unhappy? Each person I have been married to taught me something about what I do and do not want in a relationship, they have all helped me be the person I am today- I have no regrets about the multiple failed marriages and other failed relationships. And now I find myself wondering if this is another in that same category. I love Troy! He does make me happy, and for the most part he is amazing to me! And again, no regrets here. I want more than anything for this marriage to work... but each time I think there is hope for us- something else goes wrong. I admit, this has not been an easy marriage for either of us! I am a pain in the ass to live with. But over the past 4 years I have lost who I am, who I was. Each time there is a problem I hear promises of change... I hate promises. I catch myself believing them- then a few weeks down the road I realize things were said to keep me from leaving, maybe he did have good intentions- but never follows thru... while I have given up so much of me in hopes of saving us. Like I said, ts wonderful man I have ever married, and I want more than anything for us to grow old together happily. It rips my heart up to feel that he isnt willing to do what it will take to make that happen, altho its what he wants as well.
Thats my rant for today... I'm sure my next post will be super happy and about how wonderful he is! We are so very up and down like that.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
A couple weeks ago I typed a very long post and when I attempted to post it- it vanished! I have no idea at this point what I was saying, so I guess today is a new day- and a new thought... and hoping it will post properly!
I have realized I dont blog nearly as much as I had originally planned, and I should! I have so much going on in my life and a lot of times dont really know how or where to express how I am feeling. So with all the other "new" in my life right now- I think I am going to make new start on this as well... and blog much more frequently!
My blog is titled Friends and Freedom... this photo is Troy and I with A good friend on the day he returned from Iraq. Welcome home, Brandon, and THANK YOU!
The turn of this year was the beginning of many changes in my life~ difficult changes. My health had started failing, I lost my job- cutting our income in half, my health got progressively worse to the point I no longer am able to work. My daughter decided to move back with her dad, and Troy and I moved in a friend, then another.
We had an incredible summer! as long as my health allowed- we were on the bike all the time!
Being out of work has had its ups and downs- hate the financial aspect- we gave up my car and now have one car and the bike- which leaves me stranded home sometimes. I am a workaholic- must keep busy! this has been quite a challenging adjustment for me. times of depression. But my amazing husband has been super supportive and understanding... and altho we have had some marital challenges this year- we are closer than ever! I met my soul mate best friend this year~ someone who helped me, and I was able to help, she and I have a world of things in common. I am looking forward to a lifelong friendship with her.
Our friends who moved in both recently moved out of our apartment, Troy and I will be moving to a smaller apartment in the next month~ a fresh start for us after a rough year.
The positive that came out of my not working- I have been able to be a bigger part of the things I believe in! I was able to contribute over 30 hours volunteering at the Healing Fields this year~ my number one charitable organization, and attend double the PGR missions I would have, had I been working. I've had the time to study and research more about my religious belief- Wicca/Paganism, and the herbal healing that I so enjoy. I feel I am more accessible for my friends- the people who need me... thats why I am here on earth- is to help people, so being more available feels amazing! I have been able to spend time with the Gold Star families, and have become very close to a couple of them~ there is no way to describe the feeling of helping someone smile when they feel they have nothing to be happy about, just knowing I am there for these amazing people who gave up a son, daughter, or husband or brother... for me, for all of us!
So thats my post for today... I've been without internet service for a while and have much more to catch up on. Blessed be my friends. I love you all!