I didn't realize I never posted that I left this blog behind and started a new one! I has been close to 2 years since I posted here. For those interested, the new blog is http://mylifewithnoregret.blogspot.com/
Just decided this wasn't going in a direction I wanted it to and needed to start over!
I've been doing a lot of struggling with my own demons this past week. Everything about my life, my past life, is coming back into my head and my heart and my soul and is tearing me up inside. Headaches, chest pains, nightmares, anxiety... I don't know exactly what this all means, but I know it is a sign of something. In recent years I have seriously considered changing my name legally- eliminating all that has anything to do with who I ever was prior to the past few years. And blocking out those people from my past unless we truly are friends. Do I need to have photos of a happy childhood that means NOTHING to me now? Do I need to keep memories alive of things that destroy me from the inside? No, I don't. Memories I thought I had blocked from 25 years ago are even seeping back into my head. I realize most of these memories can't be wiped away with just a name change and getting rid of some photos, but it is a start! As far as I am concerned, or anyone who matters to me, my life began in May of 2007... anything prior to that will cease to exist in my world, other than things involving my daughter, of course! So for now, possibly forever... this will be the last posting on this blog~ I will start a new blog. One that begins where I am beginning, one with current joys and my amazing life with Troy and Kayla. Too much negative energy comes out when I speak of the past and the pain I deal with, and now it is here, for me to look back on every time I log in to this blog. I don't want to remember~ yes, all those experiences have created the person I am today, and I am thankful for that. But I do not feel the need to have those memories alive or have other people know about the person I once was. My first husband almost took my life, I've been kidnapped and raped, I've been to prison, I've lived a lifestyle most wouldn't understand. I've been judged by those who shouldn't judge me, and had my dreams crushed. I was a high school drop out and a single mother, I had a drug problem and a major drinking problem. I've seen a man murdered, and I've done things I am not proud of. All of these things made me who I am, but they are all things I prefer to never have to go into detailed explanation about... to anyone. So good bye to Amy and good bye to this blog!
February is almost over... 2 months into 2014 and so much has happened! Life is so amazing when you allow it to be! I got us almost completely out of debt~ what an awesome feeling! All of our old bills, medical and other stuff has been paid off! We can now start building credit so we cna really look at buying this house! We still owe on the Harley, and we had Troys teeth done- so thats another bill, oh but so worth it! He smiles now! It's been a huge weight off our shoulders, and having a little more money to get the things we have needed... and we splurged on a new bedroom set! This is a big step in finding some peace in my marriage... things are for sure getting better. Kayla and her boyfriend are moving in with us in a couple weeks! Very excited for this! They will be downstairs, he will have a car, they will pay us rent and help with groceries. I feel I've been missing something in my life not having my daughter here... She is an adult, and doing so very well out there in the real world, but I just want her where I can hug her whenever I want! She has truly made me proud, I never thought she could be responsible for budgeting money and cooking and shopping and all that stuff she is doing, I am so happy to see her doing so well! It lets me know that one day I can feel comfortable seeing her leave home for good.
Dallon is a wonderful guy and treats Kayla amazing. I really think this could be 'the one' for her. She is so happy, and that makes me happy.
Great times with great friends already this year, and a lot more to come!
I've lost a lot of weight, more than I was hoping to! I'm happy about it, but once in a while I get comments from Troy or friends that I'm too thin... but they have always told me that, even 40 pounds ago. I finally hit the weight I was when I got pregnant almost 11 years ago!
That brings me to what got me wanting to write tonight... eleven years ago today I made the decision that changed my life, my daughters life, and so many other lives. I said I do to the most manipulative, scheming, lying and hurtful man I ever met. That day was the beginning of so much... yes, there were some good times, until I started to figure out what I had married, and then found out what he had done to my child. Some good has come of that marriage, I can't deny that, but if I had it to do over again... I would not do the same thing! My life will never be the same, either will Kayla. We are both stronger, we are both healing.
I am looking forward to a year full of special times with my husband, my family, and my friends. Every time we go do something as a family, with Kayla and Dallon, it is a new adventure... Dallon has not been exposed to much and things we do are new to him. Best times in life are spent with the people you love and can laugh with!
What a month this has been! Utah became the 18th state to allow same sex marriage! Well, a federal court ruled that the Utah law was unconstitutional... so hundreds of couples ran to get married! Amazing on so many levels! I have numerous same sex couple friends, and some married and now some can plan a real wedding. People camped overnight outside the court in teen temps to be among the first to wed... with supportive strangers bringing coffee and cocoa, I heard about people who had been together for 40 years finally able to marry the person they love! I was in tears over the stories and the excitement of all of it. I have quite a few friends as well who are ordained to perform marriages- and all of them went to the courthouse to help marry people. Utah plans to appeal this ruling, of course... I truly never thought I would see the day that gays and lesbians could marry, they put in for an emergency stay on the ruling until it could be appealed... DENIED! they tried again the following day and the day after that! All denied! They say it is going to cost the state (taxpayers) $2M to fight this! Really? Is it worth all that? a 2 year battle and all that money? Personally I can think of a dozen other places to put $2M in this state! I was approved for disability this month, very mixed feelings on it but it will be best for me and my family. I also voluntarily gave up my drivers license. Ouch! I don't drive, and I know its just best this way... but a huge part of my mental independence was taken that day. Troy and I celebrated 6 years of marriage! We have had our ups and downs, but we love each other so much, and I have learned a lot from my failed relationships... I am determined to make this work and last forever! I have an amazing man who loves me and puts up with so much! Why would I ever think of giving that up?
Christmas day... I cooked! And, I had and felt Christmas spirit in my home! I have never cooked a holiday meal, so that was a big new experience for me, and it was nice! And I can't remember the last time there was a positive energy and holiday spirit in my house. No tears, no alcohol, just happiness! I think my entire attitude about the holidays might be changing! I am honestly looking forward to next Christmas! Then the day after... we hadn't checked mail for a couple days, roommate went to the mailbox and I woke up to our stack on the kitchen counter. Sitting on top was an envelope addressed to The McCanns, no return address, but I know the handwriting. I was confused and a bit freaked out. I let it sit for almost an hour, wondering why. I finally opened it... a card, from a package, not personally chosen for me, no note or anything, just signed "love Mom and Dad." UGH! Why? Why would she do this? It's been three years since I have had any contact with my mother, why now? Is it a peace offering? Is it that she feels guilty? I have had it made very clear to me that I am not part of the family... no part of the family. Kayla said my mother always (they see Kayla two or three times a year) tells her to tell me hi or she still loves me. Kayla doesn't say anything to me- she kind of feels the same way I do... "you know how to pick up a phone!" Anyway, I am so excited for the coming year, so many changes and positive things going to happen! I plan to blog again on New Years day about 2013 and 2014. I just needed to vent a bit about how I'm feeling now! Life is amazing! It is only what you make it, tho! I wish everyone a fabulous 2014 and tons of positive energy! )O( Blessed Be
It has been one year since we moved into our home... and what a year it has been! Probably the hardest year on our marriage, but we got thru it stronger than ever! Battles with our landlord/ room mate, financial trouble, health issues, and so much more! But in the end of the year everything is wonderful!
The past few days I have been looking around and all I can do is ask myself "where did the year go?" I had so many projects, things that needed to get done this year in the house, the garage, the yard... none of which got done! Well, I can't say none~ I did dig a fire pit! I really hope my health allows me to do more next spring and summer. I know financially I will be able to.
So many changes in our life, but most importantly is the fact that we are a family and have a home. Kayla rarely comes home anymore- she is grown up, but when she is here we are a family. And with any luck I will have she and her boyfriend living here with us soon and saving money to be able to be on their own down the road.
When we moved in here, we barely knew Cory- our landlord. After many battles and clashes of personality, we have actually become very good friends and I'm sure we will remain that way for many years to come. We had one dog, Roxy, still a pup when we moved in... today we have 2 dogs, Roxy and Sadie, and a kitten- Lilly, and Cory's cat- Isis. We lost one snake over the year but also gained one, and we still have Malachi, the lizard.
My days are filled with caring for the animals and trying to keep up with house work. I still can't stand the idea of not working, but my health has gotten worse and I finally accepted the fact that I will probably never work again. So craft ideas are what run thru my head these days to keep me busy!
I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life, I couldn't have made it thru this year without my amazing friends, and altho he was part of the problem at times- my husband was also the biggest support I've had at other times this year.
I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and have a blessed holiday season no matter what holiday it is you recognize!
The past week has been full of legal matters for me. Anxiety filled, physically ill, stressful court appearances! Last week, after 18 months and 2 denials from Social Security, I finally appeared before a judge for my disability appeal hearing. For anyone with anxiety problems- I suggest taking an extra pill before going to one of these! The judge had me in tears and a panic attack or two! The hearing lasted twice as long as I had been told it would, but in the end, not even the end really- he cut short a lot of what was supposed to take place- I was approved! Come to find out the reason I had been denied twice and the hearing was taking so long, was that my medical records from the neurologist I have seen for over 25 years, had been misplaced! They lost half my file and couldn't see evidence that I truly had epilepsy! He finally found them and realized there was no need to go any further, and approved me on the spot. The government now officially recognizes that I am disabled. I'm really not sure yet how I feel about this. I'm glad one one hand, I will be able to have an income and help support my family... without the nightmare of of battling finding a job and having to quit due to my health problems and going thru job after job. But on the other hand, I have been such a workaholic for my entire life! The idea that this is real, and I won't be returning to the workforce, is a bit depressing. People may say I'm using the system, but those people haven't seen how bad my health situation really has gotten. People may say they are now supporting me with their tax dollars, I won't be getting medicare (altho I am eligible, I prefer to keep the insurance I have thru Troy's employer), I won't be getting food stamps, just disability income. And I worked my ass off for a long time and paid my taxes. As a single mother I worked 2 jobs and rarely saw my daughter because I wanted her to see what a strong, independent woman was! I earned this. My health has suffered from my love of working, and now it's my turn. I hate the idea of Troy having to support me and care for me the rest of my life~ altho I know he will because he loves me so. For now I will only see the good of this situation and continue to do what I can when I can, and know that I am financially contributing to my familys well being, not just being the house wife and caring for the home when I feel well. My first priority is to catch up on all my medical bills that I have been unable to pay and all our other bills we have gotten behind on... They are back dating my payments to when I originally filed, so that will be a nice lump sum of cash to catch up on everything! Gonna be nice to not be in debt anymore! Last week I also had to meet with the DA. I had been issued a subpoena to testify in a trial, which really had me freaked out! Me, in a court room, ummm... NO! So I went in and met with the prosecutor and went over the things I would be asked, she made me feel a little better about it all. And there was still a chance the guy would take a plea the following day. Nope! No plea! Just my luck. So yesterday they sent an investigator out to give me a ride, due to the fact that I no longer drive. He was very nice, helped keep me calm... until we got to the courtroom, and I had to wait. I DID take an extra anxiety pill before this challenging day! But it didn't help... if it did, I would hate to see what I would have been like without it! Almost an hour of waiting in the hall before being escorted in to take the stand. Now understand, I am not a fan of courtrooms. Last time I had to be in one was almost eight years ago... and I didn't walk out on my own! I just had to remind myself- this was not about me, this was someone else. I was doing what I needed to, to help a child who has no voice. I was doing what needed to be done to make sure this man is held accountable for the death of his child. I walk in, raise my right hand, promise not to lie... as I get up on the stand I see two people sitting behind the defense table- his wife and an older woman. Behind the prosecutors? a few BACA members. I get up on the stand and am told the microphone is having some issues so please keep my voice up... The prosecutor asked her questions, just like we had discussed, then the defense guy got up... GRR! I really wish I could have answered questions with more than a yes or no! I had an entire jury staring at me, and I think they could see how badly I wanted to answer a couple things differently than I did. But I did quite well maintaining my temper... I had to, right? Anyway, once I got out of there, my "escort" stood outside his vehicle with me so I could smoke and release some of that anxiety, and I felt so much better! I came home and realized... I just did something important. No matter the outcome, which I have some serious opinions about, I still did the right thing. This Tuesday marks that eight year mark when I walked into that courtroom... a day that changed my life forever, in so many ways! At the time it was the worst possible thing that ever could have happened to me, but today I am grateful for it. I came out of that experience a much better person!
So a couple weeks ago I was served with a subpoena. Kinda freaked me out a bit! A zillion things go thru my head all at once. I am being told I have to testify in a homicide case? UGH! Why didn't this guy take a plea? It was a year and a half ago, I really have forgotten the entire ordeal, it was very traumatic for all who were there and I wanted to put it behind me. I was told I may be called to testify, but after a while I figured it had been settled. Wrong! So all these terrible thoughts of going into a court and getting up on the stand start going thru my head, panic attacks set in. Can I get out of this? No, I know I have to do what is right. This man needs to pay- he needs to take responsibility for killing his child. Last time I was in a court room- I ended up in prison! Yeah, just a little anxiety going on here! November is such a terrible month for me and this was just what I needed to top it off! Well, after speaking with my therapist and a couple amazing friends... I will do this, and I will be ok! I realize maybe I NEED this- to put all my past experiences of court behind me. Who knows, it might just help me. After speaking with the prosecutor, I am feeling much better about all of it. I do still have some anxiety about it, but I know I will be ok in the end. I will be going by myself, that is a bit of a struggle for me, no one I know to look at in the court room when I get nervous, no one to tell me its ok as I walk in. Well, here comes the worst month of my life... bring it on- I can do this! And do it with a smile on my face, dammit!