I've been doing a lot of struggling with my own demons this past week. Everything about my life, my past life, is coming back into my head and my heart and my soul and is tearing me up inside. Headaches, chest pains, nightmares, anxiety... I don't know exactly what this all means, but I know it is a sign of something.
In recent years I have seriously considered changing my name legally- eliminating all that has anything to do with who I ever was prior to the past few years. And blocking out those people from my past unless we truly are friends. Do I need to have photos of a happy childhood that means NOTHING to me now? Do I need to keep memories alive of things that destroy me from the inside? No, I don't. Memories I thought I had blocked from 25 years ago are even seeping back into my head. I realize most of these memories can't be wiped away with just a name change and getting rid of some photos, but it is a start!
As far as I am concerned, or anyone who matters to me, my life began in May of 2007... anything prior to that will cease to exist in my world, other than things involving my daughter, of course!
So for now, possibly forever... this will be the last posting on this blog~ I will start a new blog. One that begins where I am beginning, one with current joys and my amazing life with Troy and Kayla. Too much negative energy comes out when I speak of the past and the pain I deal with, and now it is here, for me to look back on every time I log in to this blog. I don't want to remember~ yes, all those experiences have created the person I am today, and I am thankful for that. But I do not feel the need to have those memories alive or have other people know about the person I once was.
My first husband almost took my life, I've been kidnapped and raped, I've been to prison, I've lived a lifestyle most wouldn't understand. I've been judged by those who shouldn't judge me, and had my dreams crushed. I was a high school drop out and a single mother, I had a drug problem and a major drinking problem. I've seen a man murdered, and I've done things I am not proud of. All of these things made me who I am, but they are all things I prefer to never have to go into detailed explanation about... to anyone.
So good bye to Amy and good bye to this blog!