Best Friends

Best Friends

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Good bye to the old... good bye to Amy

I've been doing a lot of struggling with my own demons this past week. Everything about my life, my past life, is coming back into my head and my heart and my soul and is tearing me up inside. Headaches, chest pains, nightmares, anxiety... I don't know exactly what this all means, but I know it is a sign of something.
In recent years I have seriously considered changing my name legally- eliminating all that has anything to do with who I ever was prior to the past few years. And blocking out those people from my past unless we truly are friends. Do I need to have photos of a happy childhood that means NOTHING to me now? Do I need to keep memories alive of things that destroy me from the inside? No, I don't. Memories I thought I had blocked from 25 years ago are even seeping back into my head. I realize most of these memories can't be wiped away with just a name change and getting rid of some photos, but it is a start!
As far as I am concerned, or anyone who matters to me, my life began in May of 2007... anything prior to that will cease to exist in my world, other than things involving my daughter, of course!
So for now, possibly forever... this will be the last posting on this blog~ I will start a new blog. One that begins where I am beginning, one with current joys and my amazing life with Troy and Kayla. Too much negative energy comes out when I speak of the past and the pain I deal with, and now it is here, for me to look back on every time I log in to this blog. I don't want to remember~ yes, all those experiences have created the person I am today, and I am thankful for that. But I do not feel the need to have those memories alive or have other people know about the person I once was.
My first husband almost took my life, I've been kidnapped and raped, I've been to prison, I've lived a lifestyle most wouldn't understand. I've been judged by those who shouldn't judge me, and had my dreams crushed. I was a high school drop out and a single mother, I had a drug problem and a major drinking problem. I've seen a man murdered, and I've done things I am not proud of. All of these things made me who I am, but they are all things I prefer to never have to go into detailed explanation about... to anyone.
So good bye to Amy and good bye to this blog!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Crazy Changes

February is almost over... 2 months into 2014 and so much has happened! Life is so amazing when you allow it to be!
I got us almost completely out of debt~ what an awesome feeling! All of our old bills, medical and other stuff has been paid off! We can now start building credit so we cna really look at buying this house! We still owe on the Harley, and we had Troys teeth done- so thats another bill, oh but so worth it! He smiles now! It's been a huge weight off our shoulders, and having a little more money to get the things we have needed... and we splurged on a new bedroom set! This is a big step in finding some peace in my marriage... things are for sure getting better.
Kayla and her boyfriend are moving in with us in a couple weeks! Very excited for this! They will be downstairs, he will have a car, they will pay us rent and help with groceries. I feel I've been missing something in my life not having my daughter here... She is an adult, and doing so very well out there in the real world, but I just want her where I can hug her whenever I want! She has truly made me proud, I never thought she could be responsible for budgeting money and cooking and shopping and all that stuff she is doing, I am so happy to see her doing so well! It lets me know that one day I can feel comfortable seeing her leave home for good.
Dallon is a wonderful guy and treats Kayla amazing. I really think this could be 'the one' for her. She is so happy, and that makes me happy.
Great times with great friends already this year, and a lot more to come! 

I've lost a lot of weight, more than I was hoping to! I'm happy about it, but once in a while I get comments from Troy or friends that I'm too thin... but they have always told me that, even 40 pounds ago. I finally hit the weight I was when I got pregnant almost 11 years ago!
That brings me to what got me wanting to write tonight... eleven years ago today I made the decision that changed my life, my daughters life, and so many other lives. I said I do to the most manipulative, scheming, lying and hurtful man I ever met. That day was the beginning of so much... yes, there were some good times, until I started to figure out what I had married, and then found out what he had done to my child. Some good has come of that marriage, I can't deny that, but if I had it to do over again... I would not do the same thing! My life will never be the same, either will Kayla. We are both stronger, we are both healing.
I am looking forward to a year full of special times with my husband, my family, and my friends. Every time we go do something as a family, with Kayla and Dallon, it is a new adventure... Dallon has not been exposed to much and things we do are new to him. Best times in life are spent with the people you love and can laugh with!