It is Christmas night, I have survived with limited tears and limited alcohol! I had a really nice time with Troys family yesterday. I always feel pretty uncomfortable when we are all together but aside from the religion and that stuff, I really did enjoy myself! And I am grateful to have them... Jackie- in our lives, Jeff and Caroline and the kids- not really in our lives, but they are around. This morning I woke to Troy, Kayla, and Cory waiting by the tree for me to get up so we could open gifts. UGH! Really? Can I have some coffee first? It was quick- Cory got each of us a gift, altho I told him not to. Troy and I got Kayla 2 things, and we got Cory a gift. So that all went fast and I got on with my lazy day! I was doing really well not thinking of all the stuff I dislike about this holiday, until we ventured out. We took Kayla to a friends house- they have a tradition of spending christmas day together. After we dropped her off, we decided to drop in on Mom. This 'Mom' is the person I consider my mom... the mother of my best friend growing up, Ginny has always accepted me for me, and has always been there for me... she is Mom! And the entire family, is really my family! We got to the house, and my sis was there and my godson (who lives with mom). Trina, my 'sis' I haven't seen in years! After visiting for a bit, in walked the other two nephews and fiance of one! It was like the whole family was there! Not quite everyone, but it was still such a great feeling! Hugs and love all around, I so miss that about family! So we visited for a bit longer and headed out. It made my day, made my Christmas to see them all! But by the time I got home, I had tears. It hurts still to get that much love from people who aren't really family, and we don't keep in touch real well... yet, my so called real family- all of them- ignores my existence on the holidays! Yep, not a single phone call, text message, Christmas card... not even a facebook post! I must have really fucked up to be this hated and forgotten by them! I try so hard to not care, not allow it to bother me... but really? how can I? I tell myself I am going to make things amazing for this family- me, Troy, and Kayla... and not worry about any of them. But I think no matter how much I do to make our holidays our own, my childhood memories will linger in my head. This all really sucks and I just wish I could take a pill and POOF anything about my biological family would be gone, forgotten! Sorry for the rant. I hope whoever reads this had a wonderful Christmas and has an amazing 2013!
It has been almost 2 years since I have had any contact with my parents. This, for the most part, was my choice... I stopped calling them- but I also never heard from them... they made no attempt to contact me. They do, however, still keep in contact with my daughter... occasionally. My dad was my best friend. I was definitely a daddy's girl! And needless to say I miss him like crazy! I don't miss my mother... she was the reason I cut contact with them. I had to decide if keeping my dad in my life was worth the hell I went through each time I spoke to my mother... it wasn't. It hurt terribly to not be able to call and talk to my dad, to not give him a hug on his birthday or fathers day. But it was a choice I made, for my own sanity and emotional health. Kayla went to do her birthday/ Christmas with them today. This was their first time seeing our house (from the outside, of course). I was hoping they would not know where we live for a while, but oh well. They so rarely contact her anymore, since she came back to live with me, it angers me to see how she has allowed her screw ups with me to affect her relationship with her grand daughter! Kayla sees it, other family and friends see it... it is just sad! Anyway, I'm not here to rant about my mother. When Kayla was on her way home she sent me a text telling me she was on her way and that just my dad was bringing her. I got a slight bit of excitement, and told her to invite him in. I really miss my dad! I just want to tell him I love him, and happy holidays, and I wanted him to see the house- see how well things are going for us. I was so filled with anxiety waiting for them to get here! Excited and nervous to see him, and nervous that he wouldn't be walking in the door. What if he didn't want to see me? OMG! I couldn't bare that! Why did I even ask for him to come in? I can't handle that kind of rejection... but he wouldn't, would he? My daddy loves me! He will be there! They pulled in... I heard the door... and Kayla was alone. Grandpa just wanted to go home. I am devastated. heart broken. tears pouring down my face all night. Did I lose him? Have I lost my dad for good? What the hell do I do now? The most important person ever in my life, aside from Kayla, doesn't want to see me. I know he has to understand that my reasons for what I did are all about my mother... he knows how our relationship has been for the last 35 years, and worse the last 5! I am truly lost right now, have a pain in my chest that I just can't explain. I love you daddy!
Well, we have moved into our house... our home! It is so nice to be in a house finally, I feel we can settle down and move on with other aspects of our life. I still have unpacking and organizing to do... but that will all come in time! We have an amazing landlord/room mate. Cory is selling us the house, but giving us time to get things in order so we can get a loan. Meanwhile we pay rent that goes toward the mortgage. He still lives here for now, has 2 bedrooms in the basement. He is hardly ever here, and when he is- he is a good friend and fun to be around. We will be working on home projects together, both contributing to the costs. I think this is the perfect situation for us all and I'm so very excited for the future! Next week Troy and I will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary! Honestly, I never thought I could stay married this long~ so this is a big deal for me. I am so very happy, and I now see myself growing old with Troy, in this home! Such a wonderful feeling. My daughter turned 21 last week... people asked if I feel old... my response to them is this- Kayla is my best friend, and my reason for waking up every day. She keeps me young and keeps me alive! If I didn't have her, I would feel old! My thoughts today go back to my ex, the 4th husband who is in prison... Do you think pedophilia is hereditary? I've heard theories that sex offenders could have a screwed up gene. Well, I am wondering if it really is true. Before he molested my daughter, I knew there had been someone else in the family, a nephew I believe, who had been in trouble on sex related charges. And I have recently found out that another of his nephews is currently awaiting trial for molesting his own kids, and has been in trouble before. How does this happen? What the hell drives people to do things like that to small children? To anyone?! It's disturbing to me. Makes me hope all the men in that family either stay locked up forever! Although this current situation doesn't involve me, I still feel the urge to be in the courtroom, for the family to see me and know that I will support anyone they have harmed. I should end here... very busy day ahead for me. And I am really not in the right frame of mind to be writing. Happy holidays to all... no matter what you celebrate! Love and Light~ RED