Best Friends

Best Friends

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Thanksgiving- a better day

As I have said, November is hard... Thanksgiving is truly my least favorite day of the year. But this year, I must say a couple things changed...
First, this was the best thanksgiving I can remember having in a dozen years! The morning was hell, but I got myself together and we went for lunch with my wonderful mother-in-law, Jackie. We ate out, Golden Corral, which is a struggle for me as I grew up with everything being home made, having days worth of leftovers, etc. But it was nice. Then we stopped to see my dear friend and sister, Mel, and her family. What was planned to be a half hour visit turned into a 2+ hour day I won't forget! We visited, watched football, and they held us hostage forcing us to join them for dinner! Amazing! All home made food- Mel is incredible in the kitchen! Being with family, it reminded me what Thanksgiving is supposed to be.
Then I got thinking... I have been so freaking selfish! I should be grateful~ I may not spend Thanksgiving with my 'biological' family- but I made that choice... mostly. I have the people around me who I want in my life. Many of my friends- people who mean the world to me, and many many others- don't have that anymore. They have lost their loved ones in this horrid war. And would give anything to spend just one more Thanksgiving with that son, husband, daddy... To those friends of mine- I apologize for my selfish thoughts and statements over the past couple weeks.
I do believe my entire attitude about Thanksgiving has taken a big turn. I just hope next year I can have as positive of an experience as this year was.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The white picket fence

Back to my story about my WPFS... I come home from work and start walking around the corner from the car, as I approach the side walk leading to my apartment there it is... a white picket fence lining the sidewalk leading from the parking lot all the way to my door! just a cute little garden fence- you know the kind- a foot tall, in sections just to decorate around your flower garden? My heart melted, gave me my white picket fence. How stupid was that, right? Like I said, I suffer from WPFS... and someone gave me what I needed to cure this condition... or so I thought.
A couple months later we moved into a house, and started talking about a wedding. I had it all! My family, my dog and other pets, a nice home (not just a house), with an incredible yard and huge garden! This was it- this was my happily ever after!
4 months after we married I was pregnant with his first child, my second. I was able to cut my work hours to part time and be a stay at home mom and housewife, and started an internet business that did quite well. After months of being in and out of the hospital because of my health problems while pregnant, and less than a week after celebrating our one year anniversary- Echo was born, our beautiful little girl. I now had two perfect daughters- Kayla was 13 when I had Echo, and such an incredible help! She loved her baby sister. Life seemed perfect! For a year. Then all hell broke loose and my life, my children's lives, would never be the same.
to be continued

Saturday, November 19, 2011

judgement day

As I have stated, November is a super difficult month for me. This year has been no different. There have been some extremely low moments that are worse than ever, but there have also been some amazing uplifting points to this year. With the help of a very special family, I have been able to spend the past couple days away from all the things that would normally bring me down... I have had time to myself to reflect on the past and how lucky I am to be where I am now. I tell myself constantly it is time to leave the past behind me- but it isn't as easy as it sounds. Six years ago yesterday I stood in a courtroom and listened to a judge tell me what a terrible person I was and that I was going to prison for up to 5 years. Really? How does a person just put that behind them? That day was quite possibly the worst day of my life. But, I made a decision to not allow it to destroy my life- but to make it better. Every year I struggle- remembering the words that judge said to me, hearing my mother in the courtroom cry, being shackled and taken to jail to await transport to prison. It was a painful day, and one I cannot just forget. But I thought maybe if I put it all out there, whether anyone reads it or not, just getting it all out of my head- might help me to move past this.
I got out of bed after almost no sleep at all, showered, dressed in probably the only courtroom appropriate clothes I owned, and headed out the door with my brother. We stopped for coffee at a convenience store, and headed to the court building. I was feeling fine really, after all- I had done all the things the court had asked of me- meetings and classes, evaluations, and I had agreed to plead guilty to one of the two charges and they agreed to recommend probation. What did I know- I had never been thru anything like this before!
Underground parking at the court- sux! We parked and went into the building. As we got off the elevator on the third floor, I saw a croud of people who hated me! My ex husband and pretty much his entire family, and my parents- not that they hated me, but they sure did not want to admit they were about to watch their daughter be sent off to prison! They never believed a word I said, they expected the worst of me, and in no way did I feel they were there to support me.
We entered the court and found a seat, as I waited for my attorney to show up. I started getting nervous- like things are not going to go as I expected them to. I gave my car keys, phone and wallet to my brother... just in case.
My lawyer sucked! he showed up late and I had like two minutes to talk with him. When they called me up, my lawyer and I approached the podium and I was a nervous wreck! They read the charge and I said guilty. Done, right? HELL NO! The judge begins to give me his opinion of what really happened and what a terrible person and parent I am and I should never be allowed to see either of my kids ever again, let alone have custody of them. And if he could, he would sentence me to more time in prison. I was in tears! And I knew better than to argue with a judge. So as he moves on and begins to talk about my sentence, he states that the prosecution is recommending probation and he sees that I have participated in all the bs they asked me to... BUT... but he feels none of those things can change the kind of person I am, prison is the only way to fix what is wrong with me. Really? Did he say fix me? Yeah, he did! And I hereby sentence you to 1-5 years in the Utah State Correctional Facility... or whatever the bleep he called it! My knees buckled and I about went to the ground. I heard my mother break out crying- I honestly dont think it was because I was being sent to prison... I think it was her reputation she was worried about. My fabulous lawyer walked away... and I never saw him again! Really- I spent a lot of money on a lawyer who really didn't give a rats ass what happened to me! The baliff came and cuffed me and took me to a holding cell. Where I sat for like 4 hours before being taken to the county jail. I had never been to jail before- what a nightmare experience that was! The second day there I was allowed to use the phone- and my mother got upset that I was calling collect. She really thought that maybe I could use a different phone! No mom, your money and your standings in the community don't mean shit in here!
The day before Thanksgiving I was transported from the jail to the prison. I had no idea what was going on, what was going to happen, I was worried about my medications and my illness, they wouldn't let me call anyone. And Thanksgiving dinner... oh yummy, what a treat that was! NOT!
I have a lot of anger and hurt and resentments toward a lot of people from that couple of weeks- I realize for the most part, Ihave no one to blame but myself... and of course the asshole who got me in that situation in the first place. But I don't blame anyone, and I don't blame myself anymore... everything happens for a reason. I am so extremely thankful for my freedom that I have today!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

November sucks! This is the hardest time of year for me... friends and family members have died, I got locked up in November, it was the last time I saw my youngest... I had such incredible childhood memories of Thanksgiving- and now most of my family will have nothing to do with me. My most amazing memories of this holiday are with my ex in-laws... but I am not part of that family anymore.
Each year I tell myself "it won't be as bad this year, you can get thru it!" Then along comes a phone call to destroy that.
We are a week into the month and what has happened... I lost the most amazing friend ever, someone I thought would be a huge part of my life for the rest of my life- but that friendship ended. A friend, and family member of the people I consider to be the closest thing to family I have- died Sunday very much out of the blue. And as the family mourns and prepares for a service, they are reminded that today is the 12 year anniversary of losing a young family member to a terrible car accident, Kody is very much missed by his family! And now, Dee will be as well. I woke up today being slammed in the face with a reminder that I am no longer a part of my family- how is that for my first thought of the day? Turn on the computer and see a group of happy people who obviously love each other so much, who all traveled to see each other for a family rivalry football game. What was missing? Me? My kids? No... we don't matter to them anymore... I doubt we even cross their minds on a monthly basis. That is the most heart ripping thought ever! But my family issues will be in a totally different blog post... this is about November. The weather is severely depressing, the death, the memories of what my life once was- and the memories of the worst holidays ever... both just tear apart any chance at a positive attitude for me.
I seem to always be the strong one for my friends, but when it comes to my own issues I completely fall apart. This month is filled with fall apart moments, fall apart days. I normally go thru more alcohol the month of November than the rest of the year combined... so far I have not had a single drink! Proud of that, really, but I also think I have not held together nearly as well. Thanksgiving day is spend in the bottom of a bottle... not this year. My mother-in-law, who I love very much, and am so grateful to have in my life, has asked us to join her for dinner out on Thanksgiving... this will be a new experience! But I love my husband, and I love his mom, and I will at least try- for them.
Happy November, all. Cheers!

Saturday, November 5, 2011


When I was a girl, I wasn't like most girls- I was a tomboy. I played with trucks not Barbies, I watched football and went camping, I dreaded having to ever wear a dress, and make up was a serious waste of time and money! I didn't dream of a big fancy wedding, I hate diamonds and pretty much any big jewelry, and I'd rather go to Sizzler for dinner any day over La Caille! But my ultimate dream I think was what most girls wanted- a husband and a home with a garden, a daughter and a dog, a career and happiness. Simple right? The white picket fence syndrome is what that became! I suffered for years of white picket fence syndrome! At age 18 I got the husband and what we called a home, an abortion and no pets, 3 jobs- no career in sight, and no, there was no happiness- there was abuse! To this day, he is the only person I am truly in fear of. Marriage number one... FAIL! Then 4 years later I again was stricken by WPFS... the husband- yes, the home- yes, the daughter- yes, the dog- yes, career- I was gonna be a stay at home mommy! Perfect, right? Nope. The husband didn't want the things I wanted. This man is a wonderful father and I love him. Marriage number 2... FAIL! Two years later... WPFS hits me again. The husband, the house (in Las Vegas!), my daughter, no dog- but we didn't have time for one, career- ok, a great job! And happiness... but I am learning that happiness doesn't last forever- It doesn't even last a year! People change, wants and needs change. I loved this man and still consider him a friend. Marriage number 3... FAIL! Months later that stupid WPFS got me again... But I was lucky, I got out 3 weeks before the marriage was due to happen! The longest relationship of my life, an amazing man. Everything was perfect! I had my career, I had my daughter and my dog and the house with the garden... but priorities clashed, and after 7 years of believing I would spend the rest of my life with this man- today we don't even speak... sad.
During that heartbreaking split, I made a good friend who lived in the same apartment building I did. We would talk and I could cry to him, we went for breakfast when he got off work and would sit and talk for hours. I was depressed, my daughter was depressed and didn't understand, it was nice to have someone to talk to... and someone to come fix my car! He knew so much about me and my emotions, my wants and needs, my stresses, what made me happy and sad and angry... everything...
to be continued in the next posting...

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Freedom ~ part 1

I explained the LOVE part when I started this blog. But my explanation for the FREEDOM, was actually something I realized later. Does anyone really understand the value of their freedom? Until you experience something that takes that away~ I feel people take freedom for granted. Yes, I am a huge supporter of our military, and I have seen the sacrifice these men and women make for our freedom... but have we experienced that loss of freedom? No, the majority- the average American, has no idea what freedom is all about.
In my next few posts I will be explaining my understanding of freedom, and how I value it- and why. A brief summary- I trusted the wrong person, I thought I had it all, when I truly had nothing that mattered. And that all landed me with a 15 month stay in the Utah State Prison. That was what I felt at the time, the ultimate loss of freedom... but as my time there went on, I came to learn that my freedom was something inside- true freedom is not about whether or not you live behind bars, and are told every move you can and cannot make- altho it sure sucks! freedom is in your heart, your soul, and in your mind! It is about believing in something. Whether that 'something' is God, The Goddess, yourself, or if it is a belief in your success and your future... its a belief and a positive outlook!
Day one of my incarceration was, at the time, the worst day of my life. My freedom taken- and everything I lived for was suddenly gone. I would spend the next 1 to 5 years in a 6x10 shared room, without a moment of privacy, constantly being told what, where, and when to do everything- and having to ask permission to do anything. Eating when they said- and what they said, going to bed when they said. At the time- that was my idea of loss of freedom.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Tonight was a flash back. Troy and I had to sell the tickets we had for the Judas Priest concert, a friend called saying he had a female friend who wanted them. So we met him for a cup of coffee and waited for this gal to show up. The minute she sat down, I was thinking "I know this girl, but from where?" The name didn't click, nothing about our lives seemed to cross paths (for the limited time we chatted). Then something in my head snapped- I was looking away and she said something, and I suddenly recognized the voice... I knew this woman from prison. it's been close to 5 years since I walked away from that place, but every once in a while I see a face, or hear a voice, or something else sends me back to that part of my life. Nothing was said between us- I doubt she even recognized me. My hair is about as different as it could possibly be~ length and color, I've lost 40 pounds. She, on the other hand- looks the same- always was so pretty. But I recall being a person she did not like at that time, we clashed, I guess you could say. The memories that come back- this time of year makes it so difficult for me- as it was 6 years ago this month that I went to that place. Of course there are positive memories, a person has to make some kind of happiness when that is their life, their world. Altho she and I did not acknowledge today that we knew each other from that former life, I am so very happy to see a success from the system. I have seen so many failed attempts by people returning to the outside world... and very few, but yes, some, success stories. She will remain nameless here, out of respect for her privacy, if she ever happens to see this- I congratulate her on her success and her happiness!
I think at some point I may begin to blog about my experiences in prison- my day to day life, the things we did, the things I learned, how my life was so dramatically changed by a 15 month 'vacation'. They don't call it Utah's Finest Gated Community for nothing! So many people don't understand about prison life, so many people think I am a terrible person because I went to prison, most have no idea whatsoever what prison life is really like... I think I will give them an opportunity to find out thru my experiences.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November is here... has to be my least favorite time of year! Up until a few days ago I had a very positive outlook for this year, I was going to get thru it with a good attitude and leave the past where it belongs. But with relationships the way they are currently- family and friends, I'm not sure. November 1st- I woke up, looked out the window, and saw snow. Great start, right? So many bad memories of November- I truly wish I could skip both November and December! I dread the thought of Thanksgiving getting here... but it has to be, and I can't change it. In the past I have hidden from the day- stay home, drink, and send the husband and kid off to do whatever it is the family invites them to do. But this year I have agreed to go to dinner with my mother in law... I hope I dont fall apart! I try so hard to keep up appearances and make my husband happy- I know how much he loves his family, but I usually only last a short time before the emotional break.
November- amazing childhood memories that can never again be... wonderful memories of former in-laws- that will never again be... the loss of family... the loss of dear friends... the loss of a child... and the loss of freedom. Can I, will I ever be able to overcome all this and enjoy Thanksgiving like I once did?
A simple life~ wouldn't that be wonderful? I am tired of the big city- I want to live in small town, usa. have property enough for a garden to grow all my favorites, have some chickens and maybe a couple goats or something. WalMart would be a half hour away, the interstate- just as far! Where everyone in town knows each other, but minds their own business. Where I can have my quiet private life- without getting calls to go here or there... sorry- I'm snowed in- plows havent made it down our street this month! Living in the city has finally done me in, I am so ready to get out. I dont think Troy will ever be ready for that life- always a reason or excuse... valid reasons, but nothing so severe that I would reconsider. The person I am... was... want to be- needs a much more private life, in a much more private place. I hope one day I can have this dream...make it a reality. Paradise, Dayton... or somewhere similar south of here, where I could live in a warm environment! Troy hates the heat- I live for it! Cold weather- no so good on my health, and not so good for riding, either!
Samhain- aka, Halloween was incredible this year! I went to a ritual that was so much more than I expected, such an amazing experience for me! As I open my heart and soul more and more to my pagan beliefs, I am more and more aware of the wonderful things I am capable of feeling and doing. The more I open up, the more I learn. The more I trust, the more I feel.
Tomorrow is a new day... next is Thanksgiving and the nightmare that brings, then comes December... ugh!