Monday, March 5, 2012
Last week I kept meaning to get my thoughts down, but it was such a difficult week,so here I am, a few days after the fact, to explain what last week was all about...
Eight years ago I was happy, had a life I had only dreamed of having (or so I thought, as you have seen in previous posts, but none of that is what this post is about). I was about to give birth to a second little girl! After doctors telling me I would never have anymore children, I really was! And I was actually in a place in my life where I felt good about bringing a child into the world.
February 29th, yes, it was a leap year... We went to the hospital, I was miserable! I had fought with my doctor the past nine months about just doing a c-section, but he refused. That evening we discussed inducing my labor because this little girl had no interest in meeting the outside world! And I had no interest in having a leap baby! They assured me that if they gave me the drugs at like 9 pm, it would be after midnight, and we would be into March. So I went along with the doctors plan, thinking by morning I would have my new little girl in my arms. Nope! Those drugs they gave me didn't do a thing! so that next day they told my husband to go get me whatever I wanted to eat, and they would try again that evening. An entire day of sitting in a hospital bed waiting. My daughter and husband by my side, friends dropping in, doctors and nurses checking on me... not even a slight pain that could be considered labor. So the husband went off and got my smothered burrito from La Frontera- I had eaten this meal average 4 times a week thru this pregnancy, good thing it was close to our house at the time.
On the evening of March first we redid the previous night... whatever drugs they use to get women to go into labor, then zero results. really? yes, really! Induced twice with still no baby! My doctor comes in the following morning just shaking his head, and I laughed... "See, if we had just done things my way, none of us would be going thru this!" He responds with, "You win, I have scheduled the c-section for this afternoon."
They wouldn't allow my daughter in because it was more like surgery than child birth, so it was just my husband in there with me. They gave me a shot in the back, laid me down, and started cutting. I remember my husband making some comment that I looked like a gutted deer. I remember it took 2 people to get my daughter out... she was holding on! I told you- she had no interest in joining the real world! The thing I remember most was her hair... so much hair! and there were highlights! Dark hair with some lighter reddish streaks in it! That's my girl!
When they finally had her out and took her out of the OR, my dear friend Pam came to sit with me and hold my hand while they sewed me up. I remember coming out of the OR and seeing some family, some friends, but I was pretty out of it. My best friend was there, Mel, she called my parents.
Over the past few years since I gave her up, I think about her every day, and the birthday is tough, but never as tough as this year was. I think maybe because of the leap year, it brought back a lot of that week 8 years ago. I have so many amazing memories of that time, and I pray that one day I will be able to share some of them with her. So many memories I want to share, but don't feel need to be shared here.
My daughter was named Echo Rue, and had that name until she was adopted on her second birthday. She will always be my little chunky Kanga Rue.
Thanks so much to those of you who helped me get thru last week, and all the times I miss her and struggle. Kayla is an amazing support for me and my wonderful husband Troy.