Seven years ago, at age 38, I sat in a prison cell staring at a piece of paper... "Your release date is scheduled for February 21, 2007. What the hell was I going to do? I went into prison terrified and now I was terrified to get out and return to life!
I had worked an amazing job that DID become a career, I DID finally go to college... and now none of that mattered. I was going to be walking out of there and starting my life over, from scratch. Every job I would apply for would ask if I was a felon, I couldn't go into my field of study as a felon- college education- wasted! My career? They couldn't take me back, my FBI background stuff I had gone thru years before, would be a little harder now. What would I do for work? Who would I turn to for friendships? And how the hell would I even start to look for someone to date? Life would never be the same! But I would make the best of it.
Surprisingly, a number of old friends were there for me when I was released, and I got a job by being persistent... not a perfect job, but a job- and I was grateful! Then along came Troy. Wow, could I have been any luckier? Everything just seemed to be falling into place for me! Within a year I was married and promoted at work! Things were really looking up!
Then my health starts to fail, I lose my job, and my marriage starts going downhill... Today I don't work because of my health and my marriage is on the brink of being over. This is not where I saw myself, this is not where I wanted to be. All I want is to be happy... is that really too much to ask?
In a perfect world, my white picket fence world, I would have a job, my marriage would not be on the brink of divorce, and all the problems causing that~ wouldn't exist!
So I sit and ask myself why I have depression issues... well, four, going on 5 failed marriages is a biggie! Am I a failure at relationships? What else... oh yes, I don't have a job or a means to support my daughter, let alone myself if that becomes necessary! And of course I can't forget my family... I like to pretend they don't matter to me, but the reality of it is~ I miss my dad more than anything! When I think of all the amazing childhood memories, I get sad that everyone walked out of my life, it does hurt. Would I be contacted if my dad passed away? if my mother were in a car accident? Yeah, I think of this stuff once in a while.
My head is a mess right now and I'm sure this looks like rambling! I really need to focus on a topic!
For now I am staying positive and focusing on the good in my life. I have my amazing daughter, my two wonderful dogs, a husband who loves me... altho I don't know where we really stand right now, i know he loves me. I have a roof over my head and a landlord/ roomate/ friend who really has become a part of our family.