Best Friends

Best Friends

Sunday, September 29, 2013

When I was ten, I never would have guessed where I'd be today. When I was 20, I thought I'd be remarried (already divorced once at that point), have some kind of job- probably nothing careerwise because I had skipped my college opportunity (or so I thought). At 30, I was getting to the point that I didn't even know if I'd be alive by 45!
Seven years ago, at age 38, I sat in a prison cell staring at a piece of paper... "Your release date is scheduled for February 21, 2007. What the hell was I going to do? I went into prison terrified and now I was terrified to get out and return to life!
I had worked an amazing job that DID become a career, I DID finally go to college... and now none of that mattered. I was going to be walking out of there and starting my life over, from scratch. Every job I would apply for would ask if I was a felon, I couldn't go into my field of study as a felon- college education- wasted! My career? They couldn't take me back, my FBI background stuff I had gone thru years before, would be a little harder now. What would I do for work? Who would I turn to for friendships? And how the hell would I even start to look for someone to date? Life would never be the same! But I would make the best of it.
Surprisingly, a number of old friends were there for me when I was released, and I got a job by being persistent... not a perfect job, but a job- and I was grateful! Then along came Troy. Wow, could I have been any luckier? Everything just seemed to be falling into place for me! Within a year I was married and promoted at work! Things were really looking up! 
Then my health starts to fail, I lose my job, and my marriage starts going downhill... Today I don't work because of my health and my marriage is on the brink of being over. This is not where I saw myself, this is not where I wanted to be. All I want is to be happy... is that really too much to ask?
In a perfect world, my white picket fence world, I would have a job, my marriage would not be on the brink of divorce, and all the problems causing that~ wouldn't exist! 
So I sit and ask myself why I have depression issues... well, four, going on 5 failed marriages is a biggie! Am I a failure at relationships? What else... oh yes, I don't have a job or a means to support my daughter, let alone myself if that becomes necessary! And of course I can't forget my family... I like to pretend they don't matter to me, but the reality of it is~ I miss my dad more than anything! When I think of all the amazing childhood memories, I get sad that everyone walked out of my life, it does hurt. Would I be contacted if my dad passed away? if my mother were in a car accident? Yeah, I think of this stuff once in a while. 
My head is a mess right now and I'm sure this looks like rambling! I really need to focus on a topic!
For now I am staying positive and focusing on the good in my life. I have my amazing daughter, my two wonderful dogs, a husband who loves me... altho I don't know where we really stand right now, i know he loves me. I have a roof over my head and a landlord/ roomate/ friend who really has become a part of our family.




Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Has it really been since January since I last touched this blog? Wow, I'm a slacker! It occurred to me tonight that I have failed to continue with what I started this for! I am a survivor of our system, I am free to do as I wish when I wish! And I have some of the most amazing people in my life to support me thru the rough times and celebrate with me in the good times.
This year has been very much up and down. I love our home, but I don't love the situation. I had so many plans for the house and yard this summer, but my health didn't allow me to do any of it! And wasn't able to do much riding either! So am I free? a different kind of free. I am bound by my health, by finances, but I am not bound by bars and fences!
It has been a crazy year, and I think tomorrow I will begin the update of this blog... pics and all!