Tonight was a flash back. Troy and I had to sell the tickets we had for the Judas Priest concert, a friend called saying he had a female friend who wanted them. So we met him for a cup of coffee and waited for this gal to show up. The minute she sat down, I was thinking "I know this girl, but from where?" The name didn't click, nothing about our lives seemed to cross paths (for the limited time we chatted). Then something in my head snapped- I was looking away and she said something, and I suddenly recognized the voice... I knew this woman from prison. it's been close to 5 years since I walked away from that place, but every once in a while I see a face, or hear a voice, or something else sends me back to that part of my life. Nothing was said between us- I doubt she even recognized me. My hair is about as different as it could possibly be~ length and color, I've lost 40 pounds. She, on the other hand- looks the same- always was so pretty. But I recall being a person she did not like at that time, we clashed, I guess you could say. The memories that come back- this time of year makes it so difficult for me- as it was 6 years ago this month that I went to that place. Of course there are positive memories, a person has to make some kind of happiness when that is their life, their world. Altho she and I did not acknowledge today that we knew each other from that former life, I am so very happy to see a success from the system. I have seen so many failed attempts by people returning to the outside world... and very few, but yes, some, success stories. She will remain nameless here, out of respect for her privacy, if she ever happens to see this- I congratulate her on her success and her happiness!
I think at some point I may begin to blog about my experiences in prison- my day to day life, the things we did, the things I learned, how my life was so dramatically changed by a 15 month 'vacation'. They don't call it Utah's Finest Gated Community for nothing! So many people don't understand about prison life, so many people think I am a terrible person because I went to prison, most have no idea whatsoever what prison life is really like... I think I will give them an opportunity to find out thru my experiences.

November is here... has to be my least favorite time of year! Up until a few days ago I had a very positive outlook for this year, I was going to get thru it with a good attitude and leave the past where it belongs. But with relationships the way they are currently- family and friends, I'm not sure. November 1st- I woke up, looked out the window, and saw snow. Great start, right? So many bad memories of November- I truly wish I could skip both November and December! I dread the thought of Thanksgiving getting here... but it has to be, and I can't change it. In the past I have hidden from the day- stay home, drink, and send the husband and kid off to do whatever it is the family invites them to do. But this year I have agreed to go to dinner with my mother in law... I hope I dont fall apart! I try so hard to keep up appearances and make my husband happy- I know how much he loves his family, but I usually only last a short time before the emotional break.
November- amazing childhood memories that can never again be... wonderful memories of former in-laws- that will never again be... the loss of family... the loss of dear friends... the loss of a child... and the loss of freedom. Can I, will I ever be able to overcome all this and enjoy Thanksgiving like I once did?

A simple life~ wouldn't that be wonderful? I am tired of the big city- I want to live in small town, usa. have property enough for a garden to grow all my favorites, have some chickens and maybe a couple goats or something. WalMart would be a half hour away, the interstate- just as far! Where everyone in town knows each other, but minds their own business. Where I can have my quiet private life- without getting calls to go here or there... sorry- I'm snowed in- plows havent made it down our street this month! Living in the city has finally done me in, I am so ready to get out. I dont think Troy will ever be ready for that life- always a reason or excuse... valid reasons, but nothing so severe that I would reconsider. The person I am... was... want to be- needs a much more private life, in a much more private place. I hope one day I can have this dream...make it a reality. Paradise, Dayton... or somewhere similar south of here, where I could live in a warm environment! Troy hates the heat- I live for it! Cold weather- no so good on my health, and not so good for riding, either!
Samhain- aka, Halloween was incredible this year! I went to a ritual that was so much more than I expected, such an amazing experience for me! As I open my heart and soul more and more to my pagan beliefs, I am more and more aware of the wonderful things I am capable of feeling and doing. The more I open up, the more I learn. The more I trust, the more I feel.
Tomorrow is a new day... next is Thanksgiving and the nightmare that brings, then comes December... ugh!

After being married as many times as I have, one would think I would have it all figured out and do it right eventually... so why is it that I am so very much in love, but so very unhappy? Each person I have been married to taught me something about what I do and do not want in a relationship, they have all helped me be the person I am today- I have no regrets about the multiple failed marriages and other failed relationships. And now I find myself wondering if this is another in that same category. I love Troy! He does make me happy, and for the most part he is amazing to me! And again, no regrets here. I want more than anything for this marriage to work... but each time I think there is hope for us- something else goes wrong. I admit, this has not been an easy marriage for either of us! I am a pain in the ass to live with. But over the past 4 years I have lost who I am, who I was. Each time there is a problem I hear promises of change... I hate promises. I catch myself believing them- then a few weeks down the road I realize things were said to keep me from leaving, maybe he did have good intentions- but never follows thru... while I have given up so much of me in hopes of saving us. Like I said, ts wonderful man I have ever married, and I want more than anything for us to grow old together happily. It rips my heart up to feel that he isnt willing to do what it will take to make that happen, altho its what he wants as well.
Thats my rant for today... I'm sure my next post will be super happy and about how wonderful he is! We are so very up and down like that.

A couple weeks ago I typed a very long post and when I attempted to post it- it vanished! I have no idea at this point what I was saying, so I guess today is a new day- and a new thought... and hoping it will post properly!
I have realized I dont blog nearly as much as I had originally planned, and I should! I have so much going on in my life and a lot of times dont really know how or where to express how I am feeling. So with all the other "new" in my life right now- I think I am going to make new start on this as well... and blog much more frequently!
My blog is titled Friends and Freedom... this photo is Troy and I with A good friend on the day he returned from Iraq. Welcome home, Brandon, and THANK YOU!
The turn of this year was the beginning of many changes in my life~ difficult changes. My health had started failing, I lost my job- cutting our income in half, my health got progressively worse to the point I no longer am able to work. My daughter decided to move back with her dad, and Troy and I moved in a friend, then another.
We had an incredible summer! as long as my health allowed- we were on the bike all the time!
Being out of work has had its ups and downs- hate the financial aspect- we gave up my car and now have one car and the bike- which leaves me stranded home sometimes. I am a workaholic- must keep busy! this has been quite a challenging adjustment for me. times of depression. But my amazing husband has been super supportive and understanding... and altho we have had some marital challenges this year- we are closer than ever! I met my soul mate best friend this year~ someone who helped me, and I was able to help, she and I have a world of things in common. I am looking forward to a lifelong friendship with her.
Our friends who moved in both recently moved out of our apartment, Troy and I will be moving to a smaller apartment in the next month~ a fresh start for us after a rough year.
The positive that came out of my not working- I have been able to be a bigger part of the things I believe in! I was able to contribute over 30 hours volunteering at the Healing Fields this year~ my number one charitable organization, and attend double the PGR missions I would have, had I been working. I've had the time to study and research more about my religious belief- Wicca/Paganism, and the herbal healing that I so enjoy. I feel I am more accessible for my friends- the people who need me... thats why I am here on earth- is to help people, so being more available feels amazing! I have been able to spend time with the Gold Star families, and have become very close to a couple of them~ there is no way to describe the feeling of helping someone smile when they feel they have nothing to be happy about, just knowing I am there for these amazing people who gave up a son, daughter, or husband or brother... for me, for all of us!
So thats my post for today... I've been without internet service for a while and have much more to catch up on. Blessed be my friends. I love you all!

Wow, I don't do this enough... but as soon as my computer is back up and running- I plan to keep up to date!

What a crazy year this has been! January I lost my job- over a stupid $6 oversight! oh well, it was meant to be! February I started getting sick, and have been off and on since. We have looked at a number of things it COULD be, but have no answers yet. I have good days and bad days... luckily I am figuring out how to manage it a bit better and seem to be able to do more! It has been rough on me not being able to go and work, rough on my marriage and my husband having our income cut so drastically!

With spring came riding season! always a positive side to things! We have been on the go nonstop this year with charity rides, PGR missions, this event or that... all part of the cause I believe so strongly in- our military and their families~ especially the fallen and the Gold Star families who lost those fallen. Being unemployed this year made time for me to participate more in these events than before. I have been able to donate more of my time and energy to these things... and it was an amazing feeling! I am considering going to work on a part time basis as a volunteer with one of the organizations I support.

My niece was diagnosed with lymphoma this summer, and was treated quickly. Altho I am not real close to my sister and her family- they ARE still family, and I do worry and love them all! I have no update other than she completed her last round of treatment about a month ago. She remains in my thoughts! Also last month I lost my last surviving grandparent. My mom's mom had been ill for quite some time, and finally let go with her kids by her side. I am not close to my mom at all, but she was veery close to hers! She called me less than an hour after grandma passed- I started to cry- not because my 92 year old grandmother who had been suffering for so long had died, but because I dont have the kind of relationship with my mother that she had with hers... I couldn't be there to be the shoulder for her to cry on, or the ear to just listen to all my mom wanted to say... that phone call was the first my mother and I had spoken in over six months! Sad really, I hope that one day we will be able to sit down and mend our relationship- before its too late. I do love my mother.

so much in my mind, I can't even organize it in my head... maybe a little bit tomorrow, and the next day... I have access to a computer this week thanx to an amazing couple who asked me to stay with their dogs while they are out of town... gives me a little ME time, too! Which we all need now and then, right?

Blessed Be my friends.

Easter Sunday I lost someone very dear to me. He had cancer. and since then my two very best friends have both told me they have to have biopsies soon to check for lymphoma. Why is it that when I get close and let someone into my heart... someone upstairs decides to rip that good feeling away from me... and always with cancer? 5 years ago, I lost the woman I thought of as 'Mom" to lymphoma, ten years ago, my only aunt to breast cancer. Now for the confusing question... why the hell am I still a smoker? I have set into motion the quit plan, I have cut back to about half where I was a month ago. Thanx to my boss saying we all need to quit together! I don't think anyone has taken it serious, but I have to, I can't allow my friends and family to be put through what I have gone through with this. My daughter deserves to have me around and able to do things with her for a very long time!

Riding season is upon us! I truly hope I can be a part of it this year. My life, my job, and my marriage are all things that could prevent me from enjoying that feeling of freedom I love so much being on the back of a bike. One day at a time, I suppose!

Rest in peace, SugarBear. You are now free!