Best Friends

Best Friends

Thursday, December 20, 2012

A Broken Heart

It has been almost 2 years since I have had any contact with my parents. This, for the most part, was my choice... I stopped calling them- but I also never heard from them... they made no attempt to contact me. They do, however, still keep in contact with my daughter... occasionally.
My dad was my best friend. I was definitely a daddy's girl! And needless to say I miss him like crazy! I don't miss my mother... she was the reason I cut contact with them. I had to decide if keeping my dad in my life was worth the hell I went through each time I spoke to my mother... it wasn't. It hurt terribly to not be able to call and talk to my dad, to not give him a hug on his birthday or fathers day. But it was a choice I made, for my own sanity and emotional health.
Kayla went to do her birthday/ Christmas with them today. This was their first time seeing our house (from the outside, of course). I was hoping they would not know where we live for a while, but oh well. They so rarely contact her anymore, since she came back to live with me, it angers me to see how she has allowed her screw ups with me to affect her relationship with her grand daughter! Kayla sees it, other family and friends see it... it is just sad!
Anyway, I'm not here to rant about my mother. When Kayla was on her way home she sent me a text telling me she was on her way and that just my dad was bringing her. I got a slight bit of excitement, and told her to invite him in. I really miss my dad! I just want to tell him I love him, and happy holidays, and I wanted him to see the house- see how well things are going for us.
I was so filled with anxiety waiting for them to get here! Excited and nervous to see him, and nervous that he wouldn't be walking in the door. What if he didn't want to see me? OMG! I couldn't bare that! Why did I even ask for him to come in? I can't handle that kind of rejection... but he wouldn't, would he? My daddy loves me! He will be there!
They pulled in... I heard the door... and Kayla was alone. Grandpa just wanted to go home. 
I am devastated. heart broken. tears pouring down my face all night. Did I lose him? Have I lost my dad for good? What the hell do I do now? The most important person ever in my life, aside from Kayla, doesn't want to see me. I know he has to understand that my reasons for what I did are all about my mother... he knows how our relationship has been for the last 35 years, and worse the last 5!
I am truly lost right now, have a pain in my chest that I just can't explain. I love you daddy!

1 comment:

  1. Maybe he just doesn't know how to approach you after this long of time. Keep the faith girl.

    ReplyDelete