So a couple weeks ago I was served with a subpoena. Kinda freaked me out a bit! A zillion things go thru my head all at once. I am being told I have to testify in a homicide case? UGH! Why didn't this guy take a plea? It was a year and a half ago, I really have forgotten the entire ordeal, it was very traumatic for all who were there and I wanted to put it behind me. I was told I may be called to testify, but after a while I figured it had been settled. Wrong!
So all these terrible thoughts of going into a court and getting up on the stand start going thru my head, panic attacks set in. Can I get out of this? No, I know I have to do what is right. This man needs to pay- he needs to take responsibility for killing his child.
Last time I was in a court room- I ended up in prison! Yeah, just a little anxiety going on here! November is such a terrible month for me and this was just what I needed to top it off!
Well, after speaking with my therapist and a couple amazing friends... I will do this, and I will be ok! I realize maybe I NEED this- to put all my past experiences of court behind me. Who knows, it might just help me.
After speaking with the prosecutor, I am feeling much better about all of it. I do still have some anxiety about it, but I know I will be ok in the end. I will be going by myself, that is a bit of a struggle for me, no one I know to look at in the court room when I get nervous, no one to tell me its ok as I walk in.
Well, here comes the worst month of my life... bring it on- I can do this! And do it with a smile on my face, dammit!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
When I was ten, I never would have guessed where I'd be today. When I was 20, I thought I'd be remarried (already divorced once at that point), have some kind of job- probably nothing careerwise because I had skipped my college opportunity (or so I thought). At 30, I was getting to the point that I didn't even know if I'd be alive by 45!
Seven years ago, at age 38, I sat in a prison cell staring at a piece of paper... "Your release date is scheduled for February 21, 2007. What the hell was I going to do? I went into prison terrified and now I was terrified to get out and return to life!
I had worked an amazing job that DID become a career, I DID finally go to college... and now none of that mattered. I was going to be walking out of there and starting my life over, from scratch. Every job I would apply for would ask if I was a felon, I couldn't go into my field of study as a felon- college education- wasted! My career? They couldn't take me back, my FBI background stuff I had gone thru years before, would be a little harder now. What would I do for work? Who would I turn to for friendships? And how the hell would I even start to look for someone to date? Life would never be the same! But I would make the best of it.
Surprisingly, a number of old friends were there for me when I was released, and I got a job by being persistent... not a perfect job, but a job- and I was grateful! Then along came Troy. Wow, could I have been any luckier? Everything just seemed to be falling into place for me! Within a year I was married and promoted at work! Things were really looking up!
Then my health starts to fail, I lose my job, and my marriage starts going downhill... Today I don't work because of my health and my marriage is on the brink of being over. This is not where I saw myself, this is not where I wanted to be. All I want is to be happy... is that really too much to ask?
In a perfect world, my white picket fence world, I would have a job, my marriage would not be on the brink of divorce, and all the problems causing that~ wouldn't exist!
So I sit and ask myself why I have depression issues... well, four, going on 5 failed marriages is a biggie! Am I a failure at relationships? What else... oh yes, I don't have a job or a means to support my daughter, let alone myself if that becomes necessary! And of course I can't forget my family... I like to pretend they don't matter to me, but the reality of it is~ I miss my dad more than anything! When I think of all the amazing childhood memories, I get sad that everyone walked out of my life, it does hurt. Would I be contacted if my dad passed away? if my mother were in a car accident? Yeah, I think of this stuff once in a while.
My head is a mess right now and I'm sure this looks like rambling! I really need to focus on a topic!
For now I am staying positive and focusing on the good in my life. I have my amazing daughter, my two wonderful dogs, a husband who loves me... altho I don't know where we really stand right now, i know he loves me. I have a roof over my head and a landlord/ roomate/ friend who really has become a part of our family.
Seven years ago, at age 38, I sat in a prison cell staring at a piece of paper... "Your release date is scheduled for February 21, 2007. What the hell was I going to do? I went into prison terrified and now I was terrified to get out and return to life!
I had worked an amazing job that DID become a career, I DID finally go to college... and now none of that mattered. I was going to be walking out of there and starting my life over, from scratch. Every job I would apply for would ask if I was a felon, I couldn't go into my field of study as a felon- college education- wasted! My career? They couldn't take me back, my FBI background stuff I had gone thru years before, would be a little harder now. What would I do for work? Who would I turn to for friendships? And how the hell would I even start to look for someone to date? Life would never be the same! But I would make the best of it.
Surprisingly, a number of old friends were there for me when I was released, and I got a job by being persistent... not a perfect job, but a job- and I was grateful! Then along came Troy. Wow, could I have been any luckier? Everything just seemed to be falling into place for me! Within a year I was married and promoted at work! Things were really looking up!
Then my health starts to fail, I lose my job, and my marriage starts going downhill... Today I don't work because of my health and my marriage is on the brink of being over. This is not where I saw myself, this is not where I wanted to be. All I want is to be happy... is that really too much to ask?
In a perfect world, my white picket fence world, I would have a job, my marriage would not be on the brink of divorce, and all the problems causing that~ wouldn't exist!
So I sit and ask myself why I have depression issues... well, four, going on 5 failed marriages is a biggie! Am I a failure at relationships? What else... oh yes, I don't have a job or a means to support my daughter, let alone myself if that becomes necessary! And of course I can't forget my family... I like to pretend they don't matter to me, but the reality of it is~ I miss my dad more than anything! When I think of all the amazing childhood memories, I get sad that everyone walked out of my life, it does hurt. Would I be contacted if my dad passed away? if my mother were in a car accident? Yeah, I think of this stuff once in a while.
My head is a mess right now and I'm sure this looks like rambling! I really need to focus on a topic!
For now I am staying positive and focusing on the good in my life. I have my amazing daughter, my two wonderful dogs, a husband who loves me... altho I don't know where we really stand right now, i know he loves me. I have a roof over my head and a landlord/ roomate/ friend who really has become a part of our family.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Has it really been since January since I last touched this blog? Wow, I'm a slacker! It occurred to me tonight that I have failed to continue with what I started this for! I am a survivor of our system, I am free to do as I wish when I wish! And I have some of the most amazing people in my life to support me thru the rough times and celebrate with me in the good times.
This year has been very much up and down. I love our home, but I don't love the situation. I had so many plans for the house and yard this summer, but my health didn't allow me to do any of it! And wasn't able to do much riding either! So am I free? a different kind of free. I am bound by my health, by finances, but I am not bound by bars and fences!
It has been a crazy year, and I think tomorrow I will begin the update of this blog... pics and all!
This year has been very much up and down. I love our home, but I don't love the situation. I had so many plans for the house and yard this summer, but my health didn't allow me to do any of it! And wasn't able to do much riding either! So am I free? a different kind of free. I am bound by my health, by finances, but I am not bound by bars and fences!
It has been a crazy year, and I think tomorrow I will begin the update of this blog... pics and all!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
SO much on my mind this past couple weeks! Where to begin todays blog...?
Uncle Danny.
I got a call a few days ago, my dear friend and former mother-in-law (I really still consider her my mother in law), my daughters grandma- her baby brother had passed away. Wow! He would be 57 this Friday! Not the healthiest of men, but not old enough to go!
Uncle Danny was like a grandfather to Kayla, and I have some wonderful memories of my years with the family. As I am preparing for Kayla to get home from work so I can tell her, I realize something... I won't be welcome at any kind of service, I can't call his sons to give my condolences... I am feeling these emotions for the loss of a wonderful man, but I can't share in the family's mourning. You see, Danny's sons are RJ and Brian. RJ and his wife, are the couple who adopted my youngest... so my baby has lost her grandpa. But I have to respect the wishes of the adoptive family, and not come around unless or until invited. OK, so I will be strong and be here for Kayla and my mother in law to cry on, I am good at being that person. Telling Kayla was not easy. But she is not the type to let you beat around the bush and try to be as gentle as possible... if you have something to tell her, just spit it out! She kinda freaked, but seems to be doing better than I expected. Kayla doesn't deal with matters of emotion very well, and I was really concerned. But she is my tough kid! I am not taking this nearly as rough as his siblings or I'm sure his sons, but I have shed a few tears, and I will miss him. Uncle Danny was a sweet and kind man, and he has left my daughter with some wonderful memories. I hope that his own children and grandchildren, and siblings can heal and be able to move forward with their lives eventually. And I truly hope they know how sorry I am for their loss. I love that family and feel as if I am still a part of it to a point.
Rest in peace, Uncle Danny, you are already missed!
OK, so now lets lift the mood a bit! When I was locked up, I had a couple people I was very close to, but for the most part tried not to get to be friends with many people. I had one friend, and I won't use her name here, I'll just call her JBG, she was the one person who could make me smile and laugh no matter how I was feeling, she helped teach me to crochet, and taught me to play spades and othello. She had been there a little bit when I went in, and was still there when I left... she was one of the long timers, but she did have hope for the future! She was always so happy and positive. I wrote her a few times and then I decided I just needed to put that past behind me and I stopped writing anyone there... so I had no idea when she would be out, or where she would end up.
A couple weeks ago I got an inbox message on Facebook... asking if I had previously used the last name Dunster, and if I remembered her... not a word about where I would know her from, aside from the hint in the name. It has been almost 6 years, I have blocked so much of that chapter of my life! It took me a little bit to remember, but it finally clicked... it was her! She searched and found me! It is such a wonderful feeling to know that I mattered that much to someone. She knew hundreds of women in and out of that place, she has also put that past behind her, but I mattered enough for her to try to find. I have talked to her and texted her but we haven't had a chance to get together yet, and I am so looking forward to that! She is dong amazingly well, moving on with life with her kids and a fantastic job, and yes... the past behind her. There aren't a lot of people who come out of there and do so well, and the three people I keep in contact with- are three success stories!
I really think that's all I am up for right now... the snow hasn't stopped in days, my health is doing better this week! Good thing, because I'm having a Super Bowl party Sunday to get ready for! Go Niners! Took Kayla to get her hair dyed yesterday... everyone says she looks like a mini me now... not what she wanted to hear! She wants to be herself! but it is beautiful! She is longer a little girl... all grown up with tattoos, dyed hair, and attitude! Making me proud!
Uncle Danny.
I got a call a few days ago, my dear friend and former mother-in-law (I really still consider her my mother in law), my daughters grandma- her baby brother had passed away. Wow! He would be 57 this Friday! Not the healthiest of men, but not old enough to go!
Uncle Danny was like a grandfather to Kayla, and I have some wonderful memories of my years with the family. As I am preparing for Kayla to get home from work so I can tell her, I realize something... I won't be welcome at any kind of service, I can't call his sons to give my condolences... I am feeling these emotions for the loss of a wonderful man, but I can't share in the family's mourning. You see, Danny's sons are RJ and Brian. RJ and his wife, are the couple who adopted my youngest... so my baby has lost her grandpa. But I have to respect the wishes of the adoptive family, and not come around unless or until invited. OK, so I will be strong and be here for Kayla and my mother in law to cry on, I am good at being that person. Telling Kayla was not easy. But she is not the type to let you beat around the bush and try to be as gentle as possible... if you have something to tell her, just spit it out! She kinda freaked, but seems to be doing better than I expected. Kayla doesn't deal with matters of emotion very well, and I was really concerned. But she is my tough kid! I am not taking this nearly as rough as his siblings or I'm sure his sons, but I have shed a few tears, and I will miss him. Uncle Danny was a sweet and kind man, and he has left my daughter with some wonderful memories. I hope that his own children and grandchildren, and siblings can heal and be able to move forward with their lives eventually. And I truly hope they know how sorry I am for their loss. I love that family and feel as if I am still a part of it to a point.
Rest in peace, Uncle Danny, you are already missed!
OK, so now lets lift the mood a bit! When I was locked up, I had a couple people I was very close to, but for the most part tried not to get to be friends with many people. I had one friend, and I won't use her name here, I'll just call her JBG, she was the one person who could make me smile and laugh no matter how I was feeling, she helped teach me to crochet, and taught me to play spades and othello. She had been there a little bit when I went in, and was still there when I left... she was one of the long timers, but she did have hope for the future! She was always so happy and positive. I wrote her a few times and then I decided I just needed to put that past behind me and I stopped writing anyone there... so I had no idea when she would be out, or where she would end up.
A couple weeks ago I got an inbox message on Facebook... asking if I had previously used the last name Dunster, and if I remembered her... not a word about where I would know her from, aside from the hint in the name. It has been almost 6 years, I have blocked so much of that chapter of my life! It took me a little bit to remember, but it finally clicked... it was her! She searched and found me! It is such a wonderful feeling to know that I mattered that much to someone. She knew hundreds of women in and out of that place, she has also put that past behind her, but I mattered enough for her to try to find. I have talked to her and texted her but we haven't had a chance to get together yet, and I am so looking forward to that! She is dong amazingly well, moving on with life with her kids and a fantastic job, and yes... the past behind her. There aren't a lot of people who come out of there and do so well, and the three people I keep in contact with- are three success stories!
I really think that's all I am up for right now... the snow hasn't stopped in days, my health is doing better this week! Good thing, because I'm having a Super Bowl party Sunday to get ready for! Go Niners! Took Kayla to get her hair dyed yesterday... everyone says she looks like a mini me now... not what she wanted to hear! She wants to be herself! but it is beautiful! She is longer a little girl... all grown up with tattoos, dyed hair, and attitude! Making me proud!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
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It's been just over 2 years since I lost my job with Maverik... I was so devastated! Wow, how things change, huh? I am so glad to not be a part of that company anymore! They aren't what they used to be! But it has been a strange 2 years, a difficult transition to being a stay home wife and mom. Such ups and downs... emotionally and financially.
The past month has probably been the hardest on me. My health has been less than ok, causing anxiety and depression issues, which causes more health problems... it has become a vicious circle! I have hopes that if the temps in Salt Lake get above 30 in the next couple weeks, that might help with the depression a bit! My depression has been worse than ever, and it is so very frustrating! Having poor health and not feeling up to doing the things a wife and mother should be doing... just makes me feel useless and so depressed! A month ago I was feeling so good and was even starting to look for a job, crazy how fast things can change! I do have friends who are very inspiring to me tho... Michelle and Dayna both have serious medical issues and always seem to stay on top of the world and so positive about everything, including the future! I really don't know where I would be without the two of them and their facebook posts! Not many people understand what I am going thru, not even my husband, really, so I keep most of it bottled up... I know, that's real healthy, right?
We have been in our home for 7 weeks now... It feels so amazing! I am making plans for this project and that remodel, and all sorts of things I want to eventually do to the place. I figure by the time we are retired, I might have it just as I want it! Our first project has already begun- the addition of a second bathroom! Second project I get to paint the upstairs bathroom! Baby blue just isn't my thing! The dog LOVES having a yard to run around in, and I am so looking forward to summer and being able to entertain friends outside! I am already scheduled to have one wedding reception, for Holly and Matt, in May, and a wedding in August for Sheila and Jared! I am so excited to be able to do these things!
An old friend from Draper tracked me down and found me on facebook. I am so happy about this! She was really my best friend there, the one who could make me laugh no matter what. She is another success story- an amazing job, raising her kids on her own and doing a great job of it, and not doing things that could get her back there! I haven't seen her yet, but we have talked, and I am so excited to get together and catch up.
Aside from the depression, life really is good right now, and I know things could be worse, so I thank the Goddess for what I do have going for me. Kayla is healthy and happy~ and gets to go to Vegas in March with her dad and grandparents! Yes, Im jealous, but glad she's going to be spending time with them. Troy is ok, but I worry about his health and I have no idea how to get him to see this. Cory, our room mate and guy we are buying the house from, seems to be on top of the world! Has a girlfriend he is just head over heels for and loves having help paying the mortgage! He claims he doesn't like dogs, but... he loves Roxy!
I have no idea when my last post was, I didn't bother looking before I started this... I don't even know if I had mentioned we are buying a house! Anyway... Happy January, happy SuperBowl (GO NINERS!), and happy living!
The past month has probably been the hardest on me. My health has been less than ok, causing anxiety and depression issues, which causes more health problems... it has become a vicious circle! I have hopes that if the temps in Salt Lake get above 30 in the next couple weeks, that might help with the depression a bit! My depression has been worse than ever, and it is so very frustrating! Having poor health and not feeling up to doing the things a wife and mother should be doing... just makes me feel useless and so depressed! A month ago I was feeling so good and was even starting to look for a job, crazy how fast things can change! I do have friends who are very inspiring to me tho... Michelle and Dayna both have serious medical issues and always seem to stay on top of the world and so positive about everything, including the future! I really don't know where I would be without the two of them and their facebook posts! Not many people understand what I am going thru, not even my husband, really, so I keep most of it bottled up... I know, that's real healthy, right?
We have been in our home for 7 weeks now... It feels so amazing! I am making plans for this project and that remodel, and all sorts of things I want to eventually do to the place. I figure by the time we are retired, I might have it just as I want it! Our first project has already begun- the addition of a second bathroom! Second project I get to paint the upstairs bathroom! Baby blue just isn't my thing! The dog LOVES having a yard to run around in, and I am so looking forward to summer and being able to entertain friends outside! I am already scheduled to have one wedding reception, for Holly and Matt, in May, and a wedding in August for Sheila and Jared! I am so excited to be able to do these things!
An old friend from Draper tracked me down and found me on facebook. I am so happy about this! She was really my best friend there, the one who could make me laugh no matter what. She is another success story- an amazing job, raising her kids on her own and doing a great job of it, and not doing things that could get her back there! I haven't seen her yet, but we have talked, and I am so excited to get together and catch up.
Aside from the depression, life really is good right now, and I know things could be worse, so I thank the Goddess for what I do have going for me. Kayla is healthy and happy~ and gets to go to Vegas in March with her dad and grandparents! Yes, Im jealous, but glad she's going to be spending time with them. Troy is ok, but I worry about his health and I have no idea how to get him to see this. Cory, our room mate and guy we are buying the house from, seems to be on top of the world! Has a girlfriend he is just head over heels for and loves having help paying the mortgage! He claims he doesn't like dogs, but... he loves Roxy!
I have no idea when my last post was, I didn't bother looking before I started this... I don't even know if I had mentioned we are buying a house! Anyway... Happy January, happy SuperBowl (GO NINERS!), and happy living!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
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