After being married as many times as I have, one would think I would have it all figured out and do it right eventually... so why is it that I am so very much in love, but so very unhappy? Each person I have been married to taught me something about what I do and do not want in a relationship, they have all helped me be the person I am today- I have no regrets about the multiple failed marriages and other failed relationships. And now I find myself wondering if this is another in that same category. I love Troy! He does make me happy, and for the most part he is amazing to me! And again, no regrets here. I want more than anything for this marriage to work... but each time I think there is hope for us- something else goes wrong. I admit, this has not been an easy marriage for either of us! I am a pain in the ass to live with. But over the past 4 years I have lost who I am, who I was. Each time there is a problem I hear promises of change... I hate promises. I catch myself believing them- then a few weeks down the road I realize things were said to keep me from leaving, maybe he did have good intentions- but never follows thru... while I have given up so much of me in hopes of saving us. Like I said, ts wonderful man I have ever married, and I want more than anything for us to grow old together happily. It rips my heart up to feel that he isnt willing to do what it will take to make that happen, altho its what he wants as well.
Thats my rant for today... I'm sure my next post will be super happy and about how wonderful he is! We are so very up and down like that.

A couple weeks ago I typed a very long post and when I attempted to post it- it vanished! I have no idea at this point what I was saying, so I guess today is a new day- and a new thought... and hoping it will post properly!
I have realized I dont blog nearly as much as I had originally planned, and I should! I have so much going on in my life and a lot of times dont really know how or where to express how I am feeling. So with all the other "new" in my life right now- I think I am going to make new start on this as well... and blog much more frequently!
My blog is titled Friends and Freedom... this photo is Troy and I with A good friend on the day he returned from Iraq. Welcome home, Brandon, and THANK YOU!
The turn of this year was the beginning of many changes in my life~ difficult changes. My health had started failing, I lost my job- cutting our income in half, my health got progressively worse to the point I no longer am able to work. My daughter decided to move back with her dad, and Troy and I moved in a friend, then another.
We had an incredible summer! as long as my health allowed- we were on the bike all the time!
Being out of work has had its ups and downs- hate the financial aspect- we gave up my car and now have one car and the bike- which leaves me stranded home sometimes. I am a workaholic- must keep busy! this has been quite a challenging adjustment for me. times of depression. But my amazing husband has been super supportive and understanding... and altho we have had some marital challenges this year- we are closer than ever! I met my soul mate best friend this year~ someone who helped me, and I was able to help, she and I have a world of things in common. I am looking forward to a lifelong friendship with her.
Our friends who moved in both recently moved out of our apartment, Troy and I will be moving to a smaller apartment in the next month~ a fresh start for us after a rough year.
The positive that came out of my not working- I have been able to be a bigger part of the things I believe in! I was able to contribute over 30 hours volunteering at the Healing Fields this year~ my number one charitable organization, and attend double the PGR missions I would have, had I been working. I've had the time to study and research more about my religious belief- Wicca/Paganism, and the herbal healing that I so enjoy. I feel I am more accessible for my friends- the people who need me... thats why I am here on earth- is to help people, so being more available feels amazing! I have been able to spend time with the Gold Star families, and have become very close to a couple of them~ there is no way to describe the feeling of helping someone smile when they feel they have nothing to be happy about, just knowing I am there for these amazing people who gave up a son, daughter, or husband or brother... for me, for all of us!
So thats my post for today... I've been without internet service for a while and have much more to catch up on. Blessed be my friends. I love you all!

Wow, I don't do this enough... but as soon as my computer is back up and running- I plan to keep up to date!

What a crazy year this has been! January I lost my job- over a stupid $6 oversight! oh well, it was meant to be! February I started getting sick, and have been off and on since. We have looked at a number of things it COULD be, but have no answers yet. I have good days and bad days... luckily I am figuring out how to manage it a bit better and seem to be able to do more! It has been rough on me not being able to go and work, rough on my marriage and my husband having our income cut so drastically!

With spring came riding season! always a positive side to things! We have been on the go nonstop this year with charity rides, PGR missions, this event or that... all part of the cause I believe so strongly in- our military and their families~ especially the fallen and the Gold Star families who lost those fallen. Being unemployed this year made time for me to participate more in these events than before. I have been able to donate more of my time and energy to these things... and it was an amazing feeling! I am considering going to work on a part time basis as a volunteer with one of the organizations I support.

My niece was diagnosed with lymphoma this summer, and was treated quickly. Altho I am not real close to my sister and her family- they ARE still family, and I do worry and love them all! I have no update other than she completed her last round of treatment about a month ago. She remains in my thoughts! Also last month I lost my last surviving grandparent. My mom's mom had been ill for quite some time, and finally let go with her kids by her side. I am not close to my mom at all, but she was veery close to hers! She called me less than an hour after grandma passed- I started to cry- not because my 92 year old grandmother who had been suffering for so long had died, but because I dont have the kind of relationship with my mother that she had with hers... I couldn't be there to be the shoulder for her to cry on, or the ear to just listen to all my mom wanted to say... that phone call was the first my mother and I had spoken in over six months! Sad really, I hope that one day we will be able to sit down and mend our relationship- before its too late. I do love my mother.

so much in my mind, I can't even organize it in my head... maybe a little bit tomorrow, and the next day... I have access to a computer this week thanx to an amazing couple who asked me to stay with their dogs while they are out of town... gives me a little ME time, too! Which we all need now and then, right?

Blessed Be my friends.

Easter Sunday I lost someone very dear to me. He had cancer. and since then my two very best friends have both told me they have to have biopsies soon to check for lymphoma. Why is it that when I get close and let someone into my heart... someone upstairs decides to rip that good feeling away from me... and always with cancer? 5 years ago, I lost the woman I thought of as 'Mom" to lymphoma, ten years ago, my only aunt to breast cancer. Now for the confusing question... why the hell am I still a smoker? I have set into motion the quit plan, I have cut back to about half where I was a month ago. Thanx to my boss saying we all need to quit together! I don't think anyone has taken it serious, but I have to, I can't allow my friends and family to be put through what I have gone through with this. My daughter deserves to have me around and able to do things with her for a very long time!

Riding season is upon us! I truly hope I can be a part of it this year. My life, my job, and my marriage are all things that could prevent me from enjoying that feeling of freedom I love so much being on the back of a bike. One day at a time, I suppose!

Rest in peace, SugarBear. You are now free!

Call me an idiot, I forgot my user and password info to even get into my blog! So it has been way to long, but so many times I have wanted to update.
So in December my daughter turned 18... yep, she is an adult now. And, just like her mom, dreams of freedom! So over the Christmas break from school she made a choice to move out of her father's house and come live with us. I knew this day would come, she has been talking about it for a long time, but I had been sticking to my guns about making her finish high school before she came to be with us. Well, so much for that. She was unhappy, I saw things that I was not happy about, and I was just so excited to have my girl back home where she belongs! So we moved into a larger apartment, had a friend move in with us to help him out a little as well, and now life is great! I have cut back my hours a bit at work, I take Kayla to school in the mornings. I feel I have my family back. Although there is one missing, she is constantly in my thoughts, and I know one day we will be reunited. Meanwhile, Kayla gives me the strength I need to get thru the trying times.
The past six weeks or so has been a true test of my faith, my strength, and my passion for everything I do and believe in... I guess that is why I wanted to get in here and post, it really is a venting place for me.
First was Christmas... I just don't understand why people can't respect my wishes during my least favorite time of year! I love my in-laws, but they insist on the big celebration, and exchanging gifts, and all that. I continue to ask that they don't do that for me, but I don't think they will ever understand. My idea of the perfect Christmas is being home in my sweats, cleaning house and having a few drinks... alone.
The battle to keep peace when Kayla decided to move, I honestly think I did quite well with this one! Considering how well her father and I get along, and his wife's opinions of me as a parent... yes, I am proud of how I handled it, altho that is still not over with, and someone brings something up about it weekly. But, as I keep reminding myself, my ex and his wife, and everyone else... she is 18, an adult, she makes her own choices now.
Next on my list... Actually began quite a few months sooner, the one person in my life who I respect and look up to more than anyone (other than my dad), was diagnosed with cancer over the summer. After surgery and treatments, more test and more treatments, I was told the first of the year he had roughly 8 weeks to live. How am I supposed to take that? The one person in this world who stood by me, believed in me, trusted me... when no one (not even my family) would. He was there for me, loved and cared for me... unconditionally. He supported me emotionally and mentally, and yes, even financially for a while. He was my guardian angel... and now, nothing I do will help him. He has an amazing attitude, with about a month left- he refuses to give up on anything. He accepts what is happening, but is living life to its fullest, ever day.
I have found some old friends who are so very important to me, and who I hope I won't lose again. It has been very emotional, finding lost friends and the memories that come up, the thought of losing friends who mean the world to me. I have taken a huge step and contacted my sister... my one biological sister. We have spoken once in probably more than 5 years, and that wasn't by choice- when dad shoves the phone in your face, neither of us want to hurt dad! But contacting her is a big part of my goals for my future. I need my family, we all do.
My job is going amazingly well, although most may see it totally opposite of this, I have made some huge strides with my store, my crew, and my goals.
So far the year seems to be starting out quite well. I have a very positive outlook this year, and know I can accomplish anything I set out to do! So bring on 2010! Hoping for lots of good weather and riding time, success at work, progress with family, and a closer bond with the friends I so want to be closer with! Here's to the freedom to do what we want, when we want, and why!
And one last comment... no matter who you are, friend or acquaintance, family or stranger, I accept you all for who you are and for the choices you make in your life. And I support any decisions YOU choose to make... that is your right, your freedom... and no one, especially me, has any right to judge or tell you no! Unconditional love and friendship is what matters.

my heros... God and Troy

As you can see, it has been a couple months since I last posted. I had a small stroke the end of May... it put me out of work and pretty much out of everything for a while! I could barely get out of bed at times! I was unable to use the computer~ it affected my hands and also my eyes were so bothered by the monitor (and still are, just not as bad~ I limit my time)! During the first couple weeks I was in and out of the hospital a number of times, Troy missed work to take me to doctors and to just make sure I was ok. I realized one day that my life could end at anytime! I also was reminded that I am lucky to be as healthy as I am... I am able to work, able to help support my family, able to do things for myself! I became terrified during this ordeal that I could end up having to quit my job, stay at home, lose my ability to drive (therefore losing any independence I have!). That just was not an option to me! I pushed myself to get better, I slowly got back to where I could work 40 hours a week.
All of this was only possible because of my faith in God and all the praying I did, and thanx to my wonderful Troy for being there for me, believing in me and supporting me.
I am happy to say, now three months later I am almost 100% better! I still have small lingering affects of the stroke, but for the most part they don't really effect my day to day life. I trust that God will protect me from harm... unless it is meant to be, and I trust my husband to always watch out for me.
It has been a wonderful summer, and a full summer! I will soon add posts and pictures of rides and other things from our summer. A lot of time was spent with my daughter Kayla, a lot spent at work, and as much as possible with friends! All of whom have been a great blessing to me, as well as to Troy. Everyone was so helpful and supportive through my recovery, and continued to keep my spirits high. I thank you all! I love you and God Bless!

I must admit, years ago when I was told my daughter had learning disabilities and would never be like all the other girls when she grew up - I was scared. On the outside I was strong and refused to accept that. I was determined to make her feel and seem as normal as everyone else, and as long as we encouraged her and supported her, I didn't want to believe the things the experts told me, but inside, I was terrified. Well, today Kayla is 17 years old, doing quite well considering how the odds were stacked against her. Kayla will be graduating high school with all the other kids her age next year, she has completed two years of Air Force Jr ROTC, and has won a number of awards in that program! I am so very proud of my daughter and the fight that she has in her! Although her school is doing away with the ROTC program after this year, just the two years she had changed her life so much, and I am so glad she was given the opportunity to be a part of it. Kayla is my world. I made many mistakes with her, but I thank God for her dad and stepmom, and especially for her grandmother. they were there for her, and me, when I wasn't able to be... whether that inability was due to my mental absence, my working two jobs and going to school, or my actual physical absence from my family. I am pleased to have my daughter back in my life and so happy that she is doing so well, I just needed to share this with whoever is reading.