Well, we have moved into our house... our home! It is so nice to be in a house finally, I feel we can settle down and move on with other aspects of our life. I still have unpacking and organizing to do... but that will all come in time! We have an amazing landlord/room mate. Cory is selling us the house, but giving us time to get things in order so we can get a loan. Meanwhile we pay rent that goes toward the mortgage. He still lives here for now, has 2 bedrooms in the basement. He is hardly ever here, and when he is- he is a good friend and fun to be around. We will be working on home projects together, both contributing to the costs. I think this is the perfect situation for us all and I'm so very excited for the future!
Next week Troy and I will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary! Honestly, I never thought I could stay married this long~ so this is a big deal for me. I am so very happy, and I now see myself growing old with Troy, in this home! Such a wonderful feeling. My daughter turned 21 last week... people asked if I feel old... my response to them is this- Kayla is my best friend, and my reason for waking up every day. She keeps me young and keeps me alive! If I didn't have her, I would feel old!
My thoughts today go back to my ex, the 4th husband who is in prison... Do you think pedophilia is hereditary? I've heard theories that sex offenders could have a screwed up gene. Well, I am wondering if it really is true. Before he molested my daughter, I knew there had been someone else in the family, a nephew I believe, who had been in trouble on sex related charges. And I have recently found out that another of his nephews is currently awaiting trial for molesting his own kids, and has been in trouble before. How does this happen? What the hell drives people to do things like that to small children? To anyone?! It's disturbing to me. Makes me hope all the men in that family either stay locked up forever! Although this current situation doesn't involve me, I still feel the urge to be in the courtroom, for the family to see me and know that I will support anyone they have harmed.
I should end here... very busy day ahead for me. And I am really not in the right frame of mind to be writing.
Happy holidays to all... no matter what you celebrate! Love and Light~ RED

Another new chapter

5 years ago was the beginning of a new book in my life... just out of prison, turned 40, started a new career, and got married to Troy. The past 5 years have been a struggle. I lost my job, my health has declined, and marital problems galore! But all marriages have that, right? And everyone goes thru their personal trials!
Today I am looking at the next chapter... I have survived the past 5 years, and quite well, really! It's all about attitude! The things that seemed so terrible- pale in comparison to what so many go thru! I will be turning 45 in a few weeks! And celebrating 5 years of marriage! I don't think my first 4 marriages even added up to 5 years! We are purchasing a home~ very exciting for us!
Everything seems to be looking up. My marriage is a work in progress, but more and more we are understanding each others needs, and working together to make each other happy. I am changing my attitude about my health, and I refuse to allow it to stop me from doing the things I want to do! I plan to be working again in the next few months!
I have my daughter home with us, we are a real family. And having a home to call our own makes it that much better! We have the love to make anyplace a home, but a house, where we can make and keep memories, plant gardens together, and build things in the back yard... thats part of being a family and having a home.

This past year has been a struggle for so many of my friends and loved ones, including myself. But I am so very thankful to have those friends, and be able to help them, and have their support when I needed it. I have learned so much about myself this year, and have been reminded of the person I want to be. I am no longer shy about people knowing I am Wiccan~ why should I be? I don't care if people know I am bisexual~ thats my choice! I am a good person, and my lifestyle choices are mine... if people want to judge me for them, they have a lot to learn about life! I love who I am, I love my husband, I love my daughter, and I love each of my friends! Life is too short for drama, anger, petty stuff... enjoy every day and do things to make others smile!
Blessed Be my friends! )O(

Amazing 'I did this' moment

Today marks the 7 year angelversary of Brandon J Thomas, my hero- my reason for doing all that I do. That means it has been 6 years since I first heard his name... Somewhere back in my blog I am pretty sure I have told my story about that. So now I have an even more incredible story that touched me and had me in tears, I had to share the complete beginning to end with you...

Yesterday morning when I woke, I felt Brandon with me- he was telling me something. I sent Carol a text... "You will change a life today." Carol, is the Gold Star Mother of Brandon, and a pastor at the women's facility at Utah State Prison. She was thrilled with my text, it lit her day up!

Early in the evening I received a message from a friend of mine... and this is what it says (I changed the name to protect my friends privacy)

 Hey sweets. I wanted to share a little something with you. As you know Mandy is out at the prison. She has never been an overly religious person. Well today she was considering going to the LDS meetings and last minute went to the non denom. The lady was telling a story about a young lady that had been a resident out there that had gone to a meeting and lets say something clicked. This young lady now has a tattoo of this lady's young son that is a fallen hero. This tattooed lady rides with a group that honors fallen service men and women and is planning a ride in honor of this lady's fallen son. As she was telling this story she was walking among the congregation Apparently a text message was sent saying "Who are you going to save today?" Lady stops behind Mandy and reaches out and squeezes her shoulder. Mandy knows very little about you or your life. This lady never mentioned a name until he touched Mandy's shoulder and she said Amy.. As this lady said Amy, Mandy was thinking she is talking about my mom's friend Amy.. My dear Amy, Your goodness touches lives in ways you don't even you know about.
WOW, right? I was just bawling reading this! How amazing that not only had I told her she would change a life... but it would be someone I knew! It came back to me! It is such an incredible feeling, I am still getting goose bumps writing this now... still just so amazed and so very happy!
Brandon did this. He continues to change lives, to bring happiness and strength to people every day! And this time, he did it thru me in a little way. I am so blessed to have the life I have, and the people in my life who are here! I DO have a purpose! And what an amazing purpose it is!
This next Saturday is our memorial ride in Brandon's honor, I am so excited to be doing this, and honored to have both of Brandon's parents joining us as well as his brother!
I hope all my friends and anyone who reads this will take a minute to thank whoever it was who changed your life in even the slightest way!
Love and blessings to all! 

Life is so amazing right now! I dove into what I thought was going to be a small project, with organizing Brandon's Ride this year... and now we are expecting probably a hundred people! I have had huge support from the owner of Golden Corral, from Steve Thomas- the usual organizer, my dear friend Dave, and an amazing friend in the Dept of Veteran Affairs. I can't explain how excited I am that this is turning out to be such a success! The will be next Saturday, May 12th. Every year I feel closer and closer to Brandon, this is an amazing honor for me to be able to continue the tradition of the ride in his memory.

I am also very excited to announce that I have been asked to become an Honorary Member of the Advisory Board for the American Fallen Warrior Memorial Foundation! The public announcement of this was made yesterday. This is such an incredible opportunity for me! I know this is what I am meant to do, I support our fallen and their families... this gives me a chance to really make a difference! I am so very honored and proud to be joining this historic memorial project!
I have always believed the old saying that everything happens for a reason. That couldn't be more true for me right now! If I had made different choices in my past, if I had turned down a different road... these opportunities would not be in my face right now! I feel blessed to have been where I've been, gone thru the things I have, because I know I am where I belong right now!
If anyone is interested in learning about, or helping to support the AFWMF, the web address is AFWMF.org, or www.GOLDSTARWALL.com,  and they also have a FB page.

It's been over a month! So much for blogging more often this year! It has been a really difficult year for me so far- depression has gotten the best of me, but I am fighting and doing my best to stay on top! Spring is here, it's riding season, time for me to be happy and get out and enjoy the life I have and to be grateful for the things I do have, not miserable over the things I don't! 
I have finally accepted the fact that my health will never be the same, and I have begun the process of applying for disability. What a very difficult thing for me! I am a workaholic! I loved being at work 6 days a week, 10-12 hours a day! I love the craziness, I love feeling like I am accomplishing something! I like to feel I am doing something important, and helping to support my family. I miss getting out of the house every day, and having the social interactions with people. This is the leading cause of my depression, but I am working though it and finding ways to defeat it. My life will never be what it once was, and I know that... I just need to accept it! 
Financially it has been a huge struggle for us, but after a year we are learning how to deal with the changes that had to be made. Which has been very hard for me! As some of you are aware, I am not used to having to budget like that! I did it for years as a single mother, then I finally got on top of that hill where I could spend, and shop, and take my friends out, and buy the things my kids wanted, and do whatever it was i wanted... wow, what a huge blow this has been to that lifestyle! My amazing husband, Troy, has been so patient and loving. He sees how I struggle, and just wants to make it all better! He would do absolutely anything to make me happy. He has put up with my mood swings and depression, he has changed his life to make sure my daughter and I have a good life. 
Oh, my daughter! I am so very blessed to have her back in my home! She came back to live with us when her dad started his divorce. At first I was a bit concerned that it would be a bit of a financial struggle for us. But it hasn't been. Having Kayla here with me has helped me feel better! She always has a smile for me, she can always make me laugh! She keeps me company and knows when I am not feeling well. She has truly been a life saver for me! I knew from day one she was my angel... and she continues to be.
I don't have the time to write all I want to write today! But I am looking forward to my rides and sharing some of those moments with you. I am in charge of Brandons Ride this year, and it has truly been an honor to put together! I am so very excited for May 12th! I am sure I will do a long blog just of that day!
Happy Friday and safe travels to you all!
BLESSED BE!!!

03/02/04

Last week I kept meaning to get my thoughts down, but it was such a difficult week,so here I am, a few days after the fact, to explain what last week was all about...
Eight years ago I was happy, had a life I had only dreamed of having (or so I thought, as you have seen in previous posts, but none of that is what this post is about). I was about to give birth to a second little girl! After doctors telling me I would never have anymore children, I really was! And I was actually in a place in my life where I felt good about bringing a child into the world.
February 29th, yes, it was a leap year... We went to the hospital, I was miserable! I had fought with my doctor the past nine months about just doing a c-section, but he refused. That evening we discussed inducing my labor because this little girl had no interest in meeting the outside world! And I had no interest in having a leap baby! They assured me that if they gave me the drugs at like 9 pm, it would be after midnight, and we would be into March. So I went along with the doctors plan, thinking by morning I would have my new little girl in my arms. Nope! Those drugs they gave me didn't do a thing! so that next day they told my husband to go get me whatever I wanted to eat, and they would try again that evening. An entire day of sitting in a hospital bed waiting. My daughter and husband by my side, friends dropping in, doctors and nurses checking on me... not even a slight pain that could be considered labor. So the husband went off and got my smothered burrito from La Frontera- I had eaten this meal average 4 times a week thru this pregnancy, good thing it was close to our house at the time.
On the evening of March first we redid the previous night... whatever drugs they use to get women to go into labor, then zero results. really? yes, really! Induced twice with still no baby! My doctor comes in the following morning just shaking his head, and I laughed... "See, if we had just done things my way, none of us would be going thru this!" He responds with, "You win, I have scheduled the c-section for this afternoon."
They wouldn't allow my daughter in because it was more like surgery than child birth, so it was just my husband in there with me. They gave me a shot in the back, laid me down, and started cutting. I remember my husband making some comment that I looked like a gutted deer. I remember it took 2 people to get my daughter out... she was holding on! I told you- she had no interest in joining the real world! The thing I remember most was her hair... so much hair! and there were highlights! Dark hair with some lighter reddish streaks in it! That's my girl!
When they finally had her out and took her out of the OR, my dear friend Pam came to sit with me and hold my hand while they sewed me up. I remember coming out of the OR and seeing some family, some friends, but I was pretty out of it. My best friend was there, Mel, she called my parents.
Over the past few years since I gave her up, I think about her every day, and the birthday is tough, but never as tough as this year was. I think maybe because of the leap year, it brought back a lot of that week 8 years ago. I have so many amazing memories of that time, and I pray that one day I will be able to share some of them with her. So many memories I want to share, but don't feel need to be shared here.
My daughter was named Echo Rue, and had that name until she was adopted on her second birthday. She will always be my little chunky Kanga Rue.
Thanks so much to those of you who helped me get thru last week, and all the times I miss her and struggle. Kayla is an amazing support for me and my wonderful husband Troy.

the truth about family

Not long ago I was told my aunt had cancer, and was not going to make it. She was in her final weeks, or days. Most of my family lives in southern California, they were all there to be with her, say their good byes, etc. I was not. My uncle Dick and his wife Maggie were truly an amazing pair. They were the glue that kept the family a family, after 67 years of marriage they were still so in love and it could be seen by anyone who crossed their path. I was sad to hear that Maggie was not going to be with us much longer, but I knew she had lived a full and very happy life. My cousin kept me posted on her condition and let me know when she passed... thanx to Facebook- otherwise, I never would have known, as I have been out of touch with most of my family until recently. I was hurting and sad, not so much that she had passed, but that I couldn't be there with the rest of the family share in the grief, to support each other thru it. I truly feel I am not part of the family any longer... and that hurts. The service for Maggie was held this weekend, and not a word to me, not an invite, nothing. Really, is this what my family thinks of me? I realize I have chosen to remove myself from my mothers life, but this goes beyond that. I have been left in the dark about many 'family' events for a number of years. Is it because I am a criminal? No, it began before that. Is it because I don't live my life the way they do? Is it my lifestyle choices? Is it the fact that I am not wealthy like the rest of them? I don't get it! Really... what happened to family? 1999 was the last time I was included in a big family event, and then once shortly before 9-11 I was invited to San Diego to say my good byes to another aunt who was in her final stages of cancer. I really don't understand why family does the things they do. I pretend it doesn't bother me, but really, it does. I love everyone of them! And care about what happens. My niece had cancer, I found out thru her blog, not a call from my sister! No one ever kept me posted on her condition, her treatment. The most important person in my family aside from my dad, my aunt Mary. She has not spoken to me since before I went to prison. I got a birthday card from her once... no note, just signed. Pretty sad, Does she realize how much she means to me? Or that I think of her almost every day?
So when people ask about my family... I tell them about my 'mom', the wonderful woman I met when I was 12 who doesn't judge me, and is always there for me... no matter what, my sisters~ I have a number of them! Amazing women who stand by me thru whatever I happen to be going thru, my brothers~ the twins who have been part of my life since my teens who would take a bullet for me, and all the amazing people in my life who I call family because they care, and they don't judge, and they accept me for me!
Yes, it hurts that my biological family doesn't care to be a part of my life or want me to be a part of theirs... It hurts more than you can imagine. But my chosen family knows my past, knows who I am and what I am about~ and they love and accept me anyway! Thank you for that!