So today is a big milestone for me. I guess it doesn't seem like it should be, I- and everyone else- knew I would succeed, but it is still a big deal for me! 5 years ago today~ I walked out of Utahs finest gated community... aka Utah state correctional institute. This was the real beginning of my understanding of 'FREEDOM'. I woke early that day, and as usual- they were running behind in getting people called out to leave, there were only a couple of us that week. Finally I heard my name, and I was at the door! Only a couple people I really cared to say good-bye to, I swore I was never going to look back and stay in the lives of any of these people! (altho, today I am friends with 2 of the most wonderful women I met there.) They searched me- like I was going to steal a part of that place for a keepsake? gave me a bag that had what I came in with 15 months prior... the clothes I wore (which had become way too small! I put on over 50 pounds during that 15 months!), my belly button ring, the necklace my daughter had given me, and my expired drivers license. I walked thru another set of doors that led to the main entrance to the facility- I saw many mothers, dads, husbands, etc. waiting for their loved ones to walk thru those doors... then I saw my Tom. The most amazing friend anyone could ask for! He had been there for me thru all of this- I called him every night, I wrote him a couple times a week, he was my rock and is truly the reason I made it thru those months! And now- there he stood, arms wide open waiting for a hug, and waiting to take me home! I ran... tears running down my face... and I jumped into his arms! It felt so good to be able to touch someone, hold them, and know I was going to be ok! In his hands he had a coat he had bought for me- I put it on (I still wear that coat!), and we walked out to the parking lot. As we walked thru that door to the outside- I was scared, nervous... really? Was I really walking away without a guard? without shackles? Yes I was! I couldn't let go of Tom, I was so happy and excited and scared and so many emotions going on! We got to his truck and there waiting for me was a Mountain Dew and a pack of smokes! I LOVE THAT MAN!
That day he took me shopping to get a few things that would fit, got me shampoo and body wash that I like, make up, hair dye- I really needed that! And all the things I things I needed to feel human again! He made me a fabulous dinner that night- and we drank and danced and had the most amazingly fun evening ever!
Tom and I had talked about getting together for a celebration today, but that was a long time ago. That was before he found out he had cancer, and before he lost the battle. I miss him so much, he was such a huge part of my life. He knew all the details of everything that had happened, and still cared about me! When I lost my home before going to prison- he gave me a place to live, then again when I got out.
Everything that has happened for me since I got out of that place- I can thank him for leading me to it... some might say I give him more credit than he is due, but they didn't know him like I did... very few people truly knew him, and those of us who did, are very blessed to have had him a part of our lives.
Today is bittersweet, I guess. happy to be at this milestone, but sad that he isn't here to share it with me.
But hey~ here's to another 5 years, or 50 years!

Fashion Truffles: Etsy Favorite: Kim Peterson Art and a Giveaway!

Had to blog this... This is my sister and her artwork!
Fashion Truffles: Etsy Favorite: Kim Peterson Art and a Giveaway!: As most of you have probably already noticed, I'm a bit obsessed with the world of Etsy. It's just chuck full of talented artists, graphic d...

There is a reason...

They say everything happens for a reason. For the longest time I just brushed that idea off, and found the worst in whatever situation was at hand. But, I changed that attitude years ago, and now I try to remind others that things happen for a reason. We may not see the good that comes from it right away, but somewhere down the road, you can look back and say "wow, I wouldn't be here if that hadn't happened!" Recently the actions of one person, who really wasn't a part of my life, has had a domino effect... changing the lives of more people than I am sure she realized- or cared! Altho I am not happy with current situation of things left in her path~ I do see many of these people's lives working out for the best. How does it affect me? Well, thru her actions, things happened that made Troy and I had to ask ourselves what is truly important to us... and the answer was obvious. So what did we do? We changed our plans for our future... We made the decision not to move this year. Whether or not we move at some point down the road, will just have to be determined later. But as things are right now, my priorities, as well as his, are right here in Salt Lake. And I have no regrets about this choice.
Others have been affected, like I said- the domino effect... but I do foresee everyone involved coming out of this happy and in a place they really belong... even the one who caused it all.
I feel blessed to have the choice to stay or go, I feel more blessed to have the reason- that important person in my life- that made me step back and ask myself what I really want. And I am also so very grateful for having such an amazing man in my life who agrees with my priorities, and loves me, and loves the people in my life as much as I do. I have always said that Troy had no idea what he was getting himself into when he married me, and I seem to find ways to press that constantly! He didn't just marry me... he married my family, my friends, my divorces... my past. But he is my future and my now.
At this point in my life, I have a lot that is up in the air... but I have my husband and my daughter- and that is all that matters to me. I truly do love my life!

A year ago today I lost what I had thought was going to be my future. I had gone to work for Maverik when I was released from prison because I really couldn't go back to any of the other areas of work I had been in. Well, I moved up quickly, and despite their policy of not putting felons in management- I was promoted to a store director. Less than two years later I was let go for a stupid reason!
Anyway, that day was at the time the worst day ever! I was mad, hurt, confused, and scared. Scared of a lot of things- the idea of looking for work again- as a felon, it is hard! Scared of how this would affect our finances- it cut our income by more than half! Scared of what next. I was mad because it was so stupid and I offered to correct the mistake, and they wouldn't give me that opportunity, confused because I felt I was doing an incredible job, and so did my superiors. Hurt because I thought they trusted me.
Turns out, losing that job was probably the best thing ever to happen for me. It was difficult in the beginning, but definitely has turned out for the best.
Shortly after, actually before, losing the job- my health had started to fail. I was able to get another job a couple weeks after leaving Maverik, but after 2 months there I was unable to continue working. So I became a stay at home wife. Me, the workaholic, had to figure out how to manage my day to day life without going out and doing things all the time! I wasn't able to drive much because of the health problems, so that along with the lower income, led us to give up my car. We had to make a lot of budget changes, but we figured it out and are actually doing better now than when our income was double!
One day I woke up and realized part of the failing health was due to my mental health! I started doing things, ever day had a purpose. I realized I was more able to dedicate more of my time to the causes I believe in, and help people more! I was happy... for the moment.
I picked up a little part time work delivering papers with my friend, that was something to do, to get out of the house and get some exercise, and make a few bucks. But I still had time for me.
I wasn't able to ride as much as I wanted to this past summer, but I still participated in a number of the events we normally participate in.
I was given time... to for me, time to think, time to focus and figure out what really matters to me. And what did I find? I hate Utah! Always have, really, but Salt Lake seems to be the core of my depression. And now that I don't have a job holding me here, and Kayla is grown and out of school. I no longer have contact with my parents, I do have contact with other people who bring me down! Why am I still here?
2011~ a year of finding myself and finding my happiness. I am more focused on my family and my home, I have gain much more knowledge and understanding of my Pagan beliefs, I had time to work of crafts and health.
It was definitely a life changing event, and a life changing year. Many struggles but an incredible outcome! I found what was truly important to me and eliminated those things that caused stress and unhappiness. Troy and I went thru some trying times this year as a result of my changes, but in the end we are closer than ever, and he is much more understanding of my needs.
All of this because I lost my job? maybe not... but I never would have found the ME time to do the things I did that led me to the peace I now feel.
I love my life now- and as soon as we move to St. George, it will be even better! I have a new respect for myself, and understanding of the people and things that truly matter! Family- it isn't the people who gave birth to you and you spent your childhood with... it is the people who love you and are there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on. It's the best friends mom who has been there since you were 12, unconditionally loving you no matter what mistakes you have made with your life. It's the best friend who stood by you when she saw that you were making a mistake, but didn't interfere- and was there when you figured it out. It's the guy you have known most of your life who would drop everything at 3 am to come rescue you from a fight with your boyfriend. Its the husband who is willing to move across the country and leave all he has ever known, if that is what it takes to make you happy and keep your marriage wonderful. And it is your kids and their friends who feel you are the only one who understands and will listen, and will always be there for them. It's the ex-mother-in-law who still considers you family and is the one you can turn to when no one else seems to care.

2012 is another year of change for me, but I am viewing it as the most positive change ever! Leaving Salt Lake will be difficult in some ways, but the things I am walking away from can't even compare to the positive aspects of this move!

HAPPY 2012!!! So the year is starting out just as awesome as I expected it to! Tomorrow I will be getting my companion animal! Vinnie, the boxer, is one year old and already very well trained. I hope to begin training and work on getting him certified as a service dog right away. I do not like people who get a dog and call it a service dog if it isn't! Thousands of dollars, and hours, go into the training and certification of these animals and so many people abuse that title! So for now, Vinnie will be my companion dog- and I am more than happy about it!
Part 2 of this awesome week- when I went to the doctors office to get the letter for the dog, we discussed starting me on a new mediccation that could possibly eliminate my siezures! How awesome would that be? So Monday, I will be starting the new medication! So stoked about that! The idea of never having to go thru that again, Troy and Kayla never having to witness it again... just a dream come true for me!
Part 3- yes, there is more! Troy is already talking about going to look at houses- this month! We had talked about going in late February or March, so the planned move in Septemberish is really looking like it could happen much sooner! YAY!
2012 will bring so many changes- I am expecting some struggles, but overall the changes are positive! A fresh start in a new place! Away from the people who drag me down, away from the people who scare me, no more of the haunting memories of Salt Lake City. I will be far from the people who don't accept me for who I am, and far from the people who were once my family. I will miss my true family- the friends who accept me and love me and dont put me down, but I will adapt, and visit!
Its a new freedom for me! And I am so very blessed to have such an amazing man in my life who is willing to leave all he has ever know, move far from his family and friends- to make me happy and give us the life that I so desperately want and need!
Happy New Year everyone, and Blessed Be!

Happy New Year... 2012

The holidays are almost over, and with that brings a new year! It has been a difficult year, but I made it thru... positive attitude and remembering the important things, and most of all some amazing friends to lift me up when I fell!
2011 started with me losing my job. That cut our family income in half... ouch! I got a new job not long after, but once they hired me they demoted me the next day due to my background check... down to cashier status and pay. My health sucked, and got to it's worst point a few weeks into that new job, and I had to leave. Being a stay at home wife is not something I am used to, and it drove me insane for the most part! Struggling with my health and not being able to do anything made me feel rather worthless. But I have an amazing husband who supported me thru it all. Thanx to my dear friend Holly, I was able to pick up a little part time work during the summer that got me out of the house and brought in a little money- mostly just gave me something to do. There were times I didn't feel well enough to go riding, which was a real bummer for me, but over all I managed to keep my health problems under control. The year saw many sad moments- friends passing away, losing my grandmother, the funerals we attended with PGR, trying times with Troy (including a short separation)... but also there were happy times- rides with friends, new life coming into the world, and just this week- the best wedding ever! Its always wonderful to see young love starting a life together!
2012 promises to be a much better year! We are leaving Salt Lake City for good! We will be moving south to a warmer climate! With this move brings new beginnings for us! I feel it will improve my physical health being in a warmer place, and also will turn my emotional health around! I am planning to get a job once we move, and return to the person I once was! Happy and outgoing! I will miss a lot about Salt Lake- but the need to be removed from the weather, the memories, the people... that outweighs the things I will miss... friends are a phone call away, and really- only a few hours if we want to come back for a visit.
So my dream of moving south and having palm trees to look at every day, and a Joshua tree in my yard will be coming true finally! I know Troy is still hesitant, but he is amazing! He wants me to be happy, and he finally realized this year how truly unhappy I am here, and he is willing to make these major life changes to keep me happy, and keep us together! This move means he will leave his job that he has top seniority at, and has been with for years, and I can't thank him enough for that sacrifice. A lot of changes in 2012, and I'm sure a lot of wonderful memories will be made!

December

So much going thru my mind recently, I don't even know what I am about to post! How about a quick summary of the past couple weeks and see where that leads me...
My daughter turned 20 this month... wow! Very hard for me as a mom to deal with 20. No longer a teenager- really? Now what? Kayla is an incredible young lady, and I am so very proud of her. Although there is a lot of heartache around her right now, she is being so strong and getting thru it. She is always so happy and full of such amazing positive energy!
The day after her birthday, Troy and I started our move- no, not the big move, just across the street to a smaller apartment to save a bit FOR the big move! Kayla spent a week with us helping, she had friends come help us out- which saved us cuz Troy threw his back out first thing he moved and had to be flat on his back for three days! This move represents a lot for me~ sounds silly, but it really does. We downsized, to a smaller place. Kayla still has a room when she come to visit or wants to move back with us again, but no room for friends or visitors. We save enough money by making this change- to help us with our big move later in the year, which is my ultimate goal right now in everything I do... preparing for that move. Which I will get into more later.
My birthday was this past week, and I had a party at the club. FUN night! Friends I hadn't seen in a long time showed up, a bunch from high school were there, and a few from the days when I was going out three or four times a week~ awesome time! And just a quick thought on the party thing that has been irritating me... I send an invite out to a lot of people, expecting maybe have the RSVP's I actually got! So I make a reservation for about that many people, and expect to see certain people who had RSVPed. Why the hell do people say they are going to be at a party and don't show up? Not even a phone call or text? I did have a couple people tell me last minute that they couldn't make it, but the rest- what is wrong with people? Very annoying, and actually- RUDE! I would rather have people not RSVP, and show up unexpectedly... which actually a few did! Anyway... I had an incredible birthday party with the friends who showed up!
On my birthday, we had the chance to drive down and visit with Tiffany and baby G... They live in Tennessee, and I am so close to the family, I just had to see them while she was here and meet that amazing boy she has adopted. It was looking like we would not get the chance to visit- but we all altered our timelines a little and were able to spend about an hour together... a wonderful hour! I value my time with all of the Gold Star families I know, and especially the Wagstaffs.
in two days I will be celebrating a huge milestone! Troy and I will have our 4 year anniversary! I am so happy that he came back into my life! But more than that, I am happy that I gave him a chance, that I gave me a chance. I had completely given up on relationships, marriage, happiness (yes, the WPFS)... I was done with men when we found each other. I have had 4 failed marriages... none of which lasted nearly this long! 4 years is huge for me! And the awesome thing is, I am happier today than the day I met him! He is helping me be the person I want to be, he is helping me make my dreams come true! I am so blessed to have Troy, and Kayla, and the amazing friends I have... the people who motivate and inspire me to keep going. I have friends (or maybe acquaintances) who bring negative energy into my world, but I have so much positive energy and positive people surrounding me that I am able to push that negativity out of my mind and focus on my happiness and my future!
Today I witnessed the most wonderful thing... and it reminded me that there is still hope for a loving world and happy lives. A friend came home on leave this morning, his mom, girlfriend, and a couple of us friends were all there... everyone but his girlfriend understood why we all came to welcome him and had cameras in hand... as he came to the bottom of the escalator, after hugging her, he got on his knee, pulled a ring out of his pocket, and proposed. Such a beautiful and happy thing to witness! I wish them the best of everything in their life together! An amazing couple who are young, but so in love and ready to take on the future!
Happy Holidays to all my friends... whether it is Hanukkah, Yule, or Christmas or Kwanza that you celebrate... I hope you all have a safe and happy one!